What a year it has been!
I will start with our oldest and make my way down the list. Pumpkin has turned 18 and is now living in group home. Her behaviors have become aggressive in the home. She attacked me and threw my back out, gave me cuts and bruises, and kicked me in the face causing me to partially lose the hearing in my right ear. I pray it comes back, but am also so very grateful that it was ME that was hurt and not one of the other kiddos. I see her every week, mostly alone because Pixie is afraid of her, and Digger is mad at her. Song doesn't need the chaos.
Song did 6.5 months in the partial hospitalization school, and did not achieve any of her goals. They think she may have either borderline personality disorder(as her bio mom has) or as if personality disorder. I immediately got her a mobile therapist. We have enrolled her back in public school, and she has an IEP now, so fingers crossed this will work for her. She has started telling lies again, even a lie that a certain boy at school raped her and she is pregnant. If I could punish the people who damaged this child, I would.
Pixie and Digger now attend a Christian school, and are thriving! Digger got 2 awards last school year; High Honors, and the Christian Stewardship award.
It has been a long year, and at times a lonely one. I have a great support system, including friends and family, but sometimes I selfishly want to just be me again, and work in a museum, attend classes, wear my dress clothes, drive alone in my car, go on vacation to another state to visit a history site, work on my genealogy. I know this is normal to feel this way when things are sometimes so out of control. But, here's what I know. I know tomorrow I will get out of bed and do this all again. Someone has to, or these four children will be lost. I am not just raising children, I am correcting wrongs that have been done to them. I am making them as whole as they can be. I want them to be more than they have been told they can be. My days are full of appointments, activities, family, taking care of my aging in laws, church, school, therapists, medication checks, driving etc....there is no time for me sometimes, but the museums will be there another day.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Third try is a charm? I hope!
Has it really been so long since my last post? That just tells you how busy I have been. First off, we sold our house in town, and built a new house on our 40 acres in the country. I also now have 3 grandchildren! and of course my kiddos keep me moving all the time. Update on Song: After a successful attempt at putting Digger and Pixie in to public school, we thought it was time for Song to spread her wings. (in other words, for me to kick her out of the nest and send her to public school as well)First attempt was the local public school. It was a disaster. She lied to me every day that she was doing well. I was getting emails every day from teachers that she was letting boys kiss her, late to class, not prepared, lost in the hall, passing notes, kicking boys under the table, and almost failing math because she was not paying attention. So, after 18 school days, I brought her back to home school. She is in 7th grade this year. In my mind I kept looking for the appropriate school for her. I found a small Christian school. On her day visit to the school, she told the girls she was pregnant, by a boy in the public school who raped her. It got her lots of attention, sent my husband over the edge until I told him she was lying, and to go get a pregnancy test so we could put the matter to rest. She is not pregnant, of course. My last attempt started yesterday. It's a local partial hospitalization school for kiddos with emotional and behavioral problems. They do intensive therapy, and then slowly transition her back to the public school. Next month we have a meeting with a psychiatrist who saw her when she was 5. He thinks she is causing problems so she can stay home where she feels safe. I think he may be right. He said us "pushing her" out the door and in to school is making her uneasy. I'm hoping the evaluation will answer the questions I have about wth she thinks she is going to achieve by acting this way. My guess is it's a combination of her Attachment disorder, and possibly a processing issue. Also, an interesting fact here...her bio brother has been diagnosed autism spectrum. Today she told me that in therapy they were asked about anxiety and what makes them anxious. She told them she is anxious when she can't see me. They then asked what calms you down, she said "being with my mom". This is not the path I meant to be on in my life, but I think it's exactly where I was supposed to be.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Homeschooling
Last school year I was only homeschooling Song. And that was enough. I have been homeschooling her since 1st grade. She's in 5th now. Not that I think the public schools are bad, I used to work in Special Education in a public school. I don't think they are set up to handle Song's needs though. There were automatic flush toilets, not good for a child who has bathroom fears/preoccupations. She also was getting her work done really quick in 1st grade, then annoying the other kids. Her desk and area around her desk was ALWAYS a mess. her name was always on the board. She was always in someone's space, always talking, having tantrums. Her teacher would send her work home for me to do with her. The last straw was when she drew a picture in Art class of a goat peeing, pooping, and having babies. That is when therapy began for her. Diagnosis: PTSD, RAD, suspected sexual abuse.
Pixie and Digger did first grade in public school. They had very different experiences. Pixie is a control freak, bossy, things don't bother her as much. It's like she doesn't care who likes her or not. She was taking things from other children in the class, little trinkets(these are her favorite things). She was still a foster child for us, but I easily got permission to homeschool her to give her the chance to bond here. It seemed there were too many hours at school, and not enough at home where we could be a family.
Digger has ADHD, but is a sweetheart. He has bonded, he knows we are his family. He was having trouble at school because he was getting bullied. He had a dark tooth, from an infant injury, he has speech problems, and he has big ears. I love his ears, they stick out. Other kids didn't like them very much. He was getting teased, had been hit twice the last week of 1st grade (once in the face with a schoolbag!). The child who was bullying lost part of recess. That was it.
After much consideration I decided they would both do 2nd grade at home with me. So far so good. there is noone for Pixie to manipulate. Digger is not getting bullied. We are building a new house on our land in a nearby town. Now I have to decide whether to try public school again for my littlest 2.
Pixie and Digger did first grade in public school. They had very different experiences. Pixie is a control freak, bossy, things don't bother her as much. It's like she doesn't care who likes her or not. She was taking things from other children in the class, little trinkets(these are her favorite things). She was still a foster child for us, but I easily got permission to homeschool her to give her the chance to bond here. It seemed there were too many hours at school, and not enough at home where we could be a family.
Digger has ADHD, but is a sweetheart. He has bonded, he knows we are his family. He was having trouble at school because he was getting bullied. He had a dark tooth, from an infant injury, he has speech problems, and he has big ears. I love his ears, they stick out. Other kids didn't like them very much. He was getting teased, had been hit twice the last week of 1st grade (once in the face with a schoolbag!). The child who was bullying lost part of recess. That was it.
After much consideration I decided they would both do 2nd grade at home with me. So far so good. there is noone for Pixie to manipulate. Digger is not getting bullied. We are building a new house on our land in a nearby town. Now I have to decide whether to try public school again for my littlest 2.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
She LOOKS perfectly normal.....
This post is about Song. The reason I am writing it is that this week I have gotten feedback from two different people about her.
The first was at a skating event for homeschoolers. A woman who knew Song when she was with someone else as a foster child realized who we were, and said, "Oh........MY.....GOD.......great job".
The second person we met during a playdate at Burger King with friends. She observed Song with the other children and asked me if Song ever babysits. I told her that Song was only 10. She responded that she was so great with the smaller children. We spoke briefly and she asked when my friend and I would be there again with our children so SHE could bring her grandchildren.
In both cases I accepted the compliments without comment. What could I say? Thank you, she looks perfectly normal, but she gets in trouble for something or other at least 10 times a day? It would be true, but my goal here is NOT to embarass Song. Song is supervised every minute of every day, and although she doesn't scream in bathrooms anymore, she doesn't poop her pants, she doesn't scream at bedtime, nor throw furniture at me she is far from where we want her. Her behaviors now vary from inappropriate talk about boys, not following rules(today at the animal shelter I instructed them they could pet the cats, but NOT pick them up- she immediately went in and picked one up), hiding things in her room she is not supposed to have (flashlight at bedtime, other people's books, small trinkets that belong to Pixie) and eating food from others plates and even the trash. She isn't hungry. But because of where she came from, there is always this fear she will not have food.
A year or so ago, she was screaming that she did NOT want to do school work. So, I told her she didn't have to do it, but she ahd to tell me her plan for her future. "What plan?" she asked. I said, your plan for your future. Where you will live, How you will eat....
Her response was she would live under the bridge,get water and eat seaweed and fish from the river, and she was old enough to take care of herself and was tired of being treated like a baby. At lunchtime, I made a tuna hoagie. I saw her watching me. I set it down. She thought it was for her. I said "Oh that's mine, hold on, I'm making yours now". I went outside and got some grass. I took a cup and dipped it in the fishtank, and got some raw shrimp from the freezer. I put it on a lovely plate, and served her next to me. She said she wanted what I have, I told her sometimes it takes some time to get used to the kind of diet she wants to be on in the future, so i would help her get started now. She picked up the shrimp to eat it!! Of course I stopped her, and we talked about what choices she had made, and what might be better choices for her future.
The point is, It's an every day healing process for her. The good news is that SHE has joined in the fight for her healing. She IS attaching, but we won't be done anytime soon. When I told her of the compliments she has recieved this week, she smiled a huge smile, and then said "wow, noone ever said that kind of stuff to me before!" I love seeing that smile...:)
The first was at a skating event for homeschoolers. A woman who knew Song when she was with someone else as a foster child realized who we were, and said, "Oh........MY.....GOD.......great job".
The second person we met during a playdate at Burger King with friends. She observed Song with the other children and asked me if Song ever babysits. I told her that Song was only 10. She responded that she was so great with the smaller children. We spoke briefly and she asked when my friend and I would be there again with our children so SHE could bring her grandchildren.
In both cases I accepted the compliments without comment. What could I say? Thank you, she looks perfectly normal, but she gets in trouble for something or other at least 10 times a day? It would be true, but my goal here is NOT to embarass Song. Song is supervised every minute of every day, and although she doesn't scream in bathrooms anymore, she doesn't poop her pants, she doesn't scream at bedtime, nor throw furniture at me she is far from where we want her. Her behaviors now vary from inappropriate talk about boys, not following rules(today at the animal shelter I instructed them they could pet the cats, but NOT pick them up- she immediately went in and picked one up), hiding things in her room she is not supposed to have (flashlight at bedtime, other people's books, small trinkets that belong to Pixie) and eating food from others plates and even the trash. She isn't hungry. But because of where she came from, there is always this fear she will not have food.
A year or so ago, she was screaming that she did NOT want to do school work. So, I told her she didn't have to do it, but she ahd to tell me her plan for her future. "What plan?" she asked. I said, your plan for your future. Where you will live, How you will eat....
Her response was she would live under the bridge,get water and eat seaweed and fish from the river, and she was old enough to take care of herself and was tired of being treated like a baby. At lunchtime, I made a tuna hoagie. I saw her watching me. I set it down. She thought it was for her. I said "Oh that's mine, hold on, I'm making yours now". I went outside and got some grass. I took a cup and dipped it in the fishtank, and got some raw shrimp from the freezer. I put it on a lovely plate, and served her next to me. She said she wanted what I have, I told her sometimes it takes some time to get used to the kind of diet she wants to be on in the future, so i would help her get started now. She picked up the shrimp to eat it!! Of course I stopped her, and we talked about what choices she had made, and what might be better choices for her future.
The point is, It's an every day healing process for her. The good news is that SHE has joined in the fight for her healing. She IS attaching, but we won't be done anytime soon. When I told her of the compliments she has recieved this week, she smiled a huge smile, and then said "wow, noone ever said that kind of stuff to me before!" I love seeing that smile...:)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
almost a year?!?
Has it really been almost a year since I last blogged?
Time sure flies when you're having fun..haha...
Update: We have adopted Pixie and Pumpkin! We now have 4 adopted children. Three are homeschooled for various reasons (will blog later on that). We continue to do foster care, but are being very specific about the age group and gender we will take as our 15 and 10 year could both very easily be manipulated.
Song (age 10) and Pumpkin(age 15) have both been diagnosed with PMDD. Expect one of my next blogs to be about THAT journey.
Time sure flies when you're having fun..haha...
Update: We have adopted Pixie and Pumpkin! We now have 4 adopted children. Three are homeschooled for various reasons (will blog later on that). We continue to do foster care, but are being very specific about the age group and gender we will take as our 15 and 10 year could both very easily be manipulated.
Song (age 10) and Pumpkin(age 15) have both been diagnosed with PMDD. Expect one of my next blogs to be about THAT journey.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Fighting the Fight
It's been so long since I wrote, I decided to catch up on all the goings on.
First of all, Pixie is now free to be adopted! Yay! The bio parents have appealed to the superior court, and lost. They could have appealed to the Supreme Court, but their lawyers have told CYS they will not do that.
Pixie is my wild card. I don't know for sure that she has RAD, but she sure has all the signs. Control, being bossy, manipulative, poop issues, superficially loving. I know they say you should get a diagnosis, but really? at this point, we KNOW what to do. It's not that labeling another of my kiddos with RAD would hurt anything. It wouldn't. It also won't change anything, and as for having resources and therapists etc...no thanks. I have had my fill. This is my fight, my battle for them. I don't want her medicated, and I don't need help, so what's the reason to take her to be evaluated. Daily we deal with feelings, consequences. She is doing well in school, but if she does have trouble, I'll home school her as well.
Homeschooling a RADish isn't easy. It's also not always fun. Today Song had to read 2pages in Science, and answer one question thoughtfully. She wouldn't. She kept asking for help, started crying, whining, and complaining that this isn't a "real" school, so I cancelled school for the day. She got to sit and do nothing. Tomorrow I hope she makes a different choice, if not, she can sit again. There is nothing else I can do. It's a control thing, she wants control. This is why we have school in the summer too. I have to make sure she has enough days for the school year. I start early so I have days in the bank for when she acts like this.
Harsh? Maybe so. But, I can't put the pencil in her hand and make her work, I can't scream at her until she does because she won't, and I can't give her the answers.
Digger also had an off day. This morning he was in my room at 6am playing with the puppy, I asked what he was doing, he said going to the bathroom. I said "There?" And then he got up to use the bathroom. I took him back to his room, walked out, counted to 5 (do I know my children?) and went back in. He was standing on a rickety Lego table. Tonight when he was done his shower, he was being very quiet. I went in. he was on the floor, I asked what he was doing. He said "I fell". I had him stand where I could watch him for a few minutes to be sure he was ok, and wouldn't "fall" again. My little ADHD boy just gets sidetracked.
Life is busy, and crazy sometimes, but someone has to fight the fight for them.
To my friend in Ohio. Keep fighting! The fact that you are still there for your niece speaks volumes. When everyone else walks away, therapists, Dr's, teachers, administrators, friends someone has to be left standing. You are taking a different route than I am, but we are both in the trenches.
First of all, Pixie is now free to be adopted! Yay! The bio parents have appealed to the superior court, and lost. They could have appealed to the Supreme Court, but their lawyers have told CYS they will not do that.
Pixie is my wild card. I don't know for sure that she has RAD, but she sure has all the signs. Control, being bossy, manipulative, poop issues, superficially loving. I know they say you should get a diagnosis, but really? at this point, we KNOW what to do. It's not that labeling another of my kiddos with RAD would hurt anything. It wouldn't. It also won't change anything, and as for having resources and therapists etc...no thanks. I have had my fill. This is my fight, my battle for them. I don't want her medicated, and I don't need help, so what's the reason to take her to be evaluated. Daily we deal with feelings, consequences. She is doing well in school, but if she does have trouble, I'll home school her as well.
Homeschooling a RADish isn't easy. It's also not always fun. Today Song had to read 2pages in Science, and answer one question thoughtfully. She wouldn't. She kept asking for help, started crying, whining, and complaining that this isn't a "real" school, so I cancelled school for the day. She got to sit and do nothing. Tomorrow I hope she makes a different choice, if not, she can sit again. There is nothing else I can do. It's a control thing, she wants control. This is why we have school in the summer too. I have to make sure she has enough days for the school year. I start early so I have days in the bank for when she acts like this.
Harsh? Maybe so. But, I can't put the pencil in her hand and make her work, I can't scream at her until she does because she won't, and I can't give her the answers.
Digger also had an off day. This morning he was in my room at 6am playing with the puppy, I asked what he was doing, he said going to the bathroom. I said "There?" And then he got up to use the bathroom. I took him back to his room, walked out, counted to 5 (do I know my children?) and went back in. He was standing on a rickety Lego table. Tonight when he was done his shower, he was being very quiet. I went in. he was on the floor, I asked what he was doing. He said "I fell". I had him stand where I could watch him for a few minutes to be sure he was ok, and wouldn't "fall" again. My little ADHD boy just gets sidetracked.
Life is busy, and crazy sometimes, but someone has to fight the fight for them.
To my friend in Ohio. Keep fighting! The fact that you are still there for your niece speaks volumes. When everyone else walks away, therapists, Dr's, teachers, administrators, friends someone has to be left standing. You are taking a different route than I am, but we are both in the trenches.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Cline? Thomas? Who to Read
The answer is READ THEM ALL!!! But, in saying that, understand that some of the things you read will get you in major trouble if you follow their advice. Check with your therapist/agency before putting into practice any RAD therapeutic strategies.
Nancy Thomas- I LOVE Nancy Thomas! I have so much admiration for her. But, you have to remember she has dealt with the worst of the worst. She has taken in children who have killed. One piece of advice she gives is that it's ok to put a child out of the car and allow them to walk if they are misbehaving. We'll assume she means a short distance, and only if the child is able to make good choices while they ARE walking. A parent I know put a child with mental health issues out of the car, and ended up being investigated because another foster parent called CYS and reported the incident. Make sure it is in your child's safety plan BEFORE you take advice you read in a book.
Brita St Clair- 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane- Ideas such as putting peas around the room of a bedwetter and then collecting the peas and serving peas (not the same ones) for dinner. I found this book to be full of ideas I would NEVER use. There were days I didn't have the energy to do dumb things. Alot of the book was teasing the child, although she says never do any of it in a mean way. If anyone wants the book, do NOT waste your money. Give me your address and I will send you my copy.
Foster Cline- Parenting with Love and Logic. I read this book every few months. It sits on my night stand. I love the thought that protecting these children is not loving them. They have to learn from their mistakes. If you constantly get in between them and the consequences for their actions, they won't have to learn. You'll see alot of Cline's influence when I deal with my children, especially with Pixie. :)
Gregory C Keck- Parenting The Hurt Child- Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow- Really hands on advice. Advice from adoptees, mothers, therapists/ all perspectives. This book includes lots of scenarios, and step by step what to say/do.
Nancy Thomas- I LOVE Nancy Thomas! I have so much admiration for her. But, you have to remember she has dealt with the worst of the worst. She has taken in children who have killed. One piece of advice she gives is that it's ok to put a child out of the car and allow them to walk if they are misbehaving. We'll assume she means a short distance, and only if the child is able to make good choices while they ARE walking. A parent I know put a child with mental health issues out of the car, and ended up being investigated because another foster parent called CYS and reported the incident. Make sure it is in your child's safety plan BEFORE you take advice you read in a book.
Brita St Clair- 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane- Ideas such as putting peas around the room of a bedwetter and then collecting the peas and serving peas (not the same ones) for dinner. I found this book to be full of ideas I would NEVER use. There were days I didn't have the energy to do dumb things. Alot of the book was teasing the child, although she says never do any of it in a mean way. If anyone wants the book, do NOT waste your money. Give me your address and I will send you my copy.
Foster Cline- Parenting with Love and Logic. I read this book every few months. It sits on my night stand. I love the thought that protecting these children is not loving them. They have to learn from their mistakes. If you constantly get in between them and the consequences for their actions, they won't have to learn. You'll see alot of Cline's influence when I deal with my children, especially with Pixie. :)
Gregory C Keck- Parenting The Hurt Child- Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow- Really hands on advice. Advice from adoptees, mothers, therapists/ all perspectives. This book includes lots of scenarios, and step by step what to say/do.
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