She LOOKS perfectly normal.....

This post is about Song. The reason I am writing it is that this week I have gotten feedback from two different people about her.

The first was at a skating event for homeschoolers. A woman who knew Song when she was with someone else as a foster child realized who we were, and said, "Oh........MY.....GOD.......great job".

The second person we met during a playdate at Burger King with friends. She observed Song with the other children and asked me if Song ever babysits. I told her that Song was only 10. She responded that she was so great with the smaller children. We spoke briefly and she asked when my friend and I would be there again with our children so SHE could bring her grandchildren.

In both cases I accepted the compliments without comment. What could I say? Thank you, she looks perfectly normal, but she gets in trouble for something or other at least 10 times a day? It would be true, but my goal here is NOT to embarass Song. Song is supervised every minute of every day, and although she doesn't scream in bathrooms anymore, she doesn't poop her pants, she doesn't scream at bedtime, nor throw furniture at me she is far from where we want her. Her behaviors now vary from inappropriate talk about boys, not following rules(today at the animal shelter I instructed them they could pet the cats, but NOT pick them up- she immediately went in and picked one up), hiding things in her room she is not supposed to have (flashlight at bedtime, other people's books, small trinkets that belong to Pixie) and eating food from others plates and even the trash. She isn't hungry. But because of where she came from, there is always this fear she will not have food.

A year or so ago, she was screaming that she did NOT want to do school work. So, I told her she didn't have to do it, but she ahd to tell me her plan for her future. "What plan?" she asked. I said, your plan for your future. Where you will live, How you will eat....

Her response was she would live under the bridge,get water and eat seaweed and fish from the river, and she was old enough to take care of herself and was tired of being treated like a baby. At lunchtime, I made a tuna hoagie. I saw her watching me. I set it down. She thought it was for her. I said "Oh that's mine, hold on, I'm making yours now". I went outside and got some grass. I took a cup and dipped it in the fishtank, and got some raw shrimp from the freezer. I put it on a lovely plate, and served her next to me. She said she wanted what I have, I told her sometimes it takes some time to get used to the kind of diet she wants to be on in the future, so i would help her get started now. She picked up the shrimp to eat it!! Of course I stopped her, and we talked about what choices she had made, and what might be better choices for her future.

The point is, It's an every day healing process for her. The good news is that SHE has joined in the fight for her healing. She IS attaching, but we won't be done anytime soon. When I told her of the compliments she has recieved this week, she smiled a huge smile, and then said "wow, noone ever said that kind of stuff to me before!" I love seeing that smile...:)

almost a year?!?

Has it really been almost a year since I last blogged?

Time sure flies when you're having fun..haha...

Update: We have adopted Pixie and Pumpkin! We now have 4 adopted children. Three are homeschooled for various reasons (will blog later on that). We continue to do foster care, but are being very specific about the age group and gender we will take as our 15 and 10 year could both very easily be manipulated.

Song (age 10) and Pumpkin(age 15) have both been diagnosed with PMDD. Expect one of my next blogs to be about THAT journey.

Fighting the Fight

It's been so long since I wrote, I decided to catch up on all the goings on.

First of all, Pixie is now free to be adopted! Yay! The bio parents have appealed to the superior court, and lost. They could have appealed to the Supreme Court, but their lawyers have told CYS they will not do that.

Pixie is my wild card. I don't know for sure that she has RAD, but she sure has all the signs. Control, being bossy, manipulative, poop issues, superficially loving. I know they say you should get a diagnosis, but really? at this point, we KNOW what to do. It's not that labeling another of my kiddos with RAD would hurt anything. It wouldn't. It also won't change anything, and as for having resources and therapists etc...no thanks. I have had my fill. This is my fight, my battle for them. I don't want her medicated, and I don't need help, so what's the reason to take her to be evaluated. Daily we deal with feelings, consequences. She is doing well in school, but if she does have trouble, I'll home school her as well.

Homeschooling a RADish isn't easy. It's also not always fun. Today Song had to read 2pages in Science, and answer one question thoughtfully. She wouldn't. She kept asking for help, started crying, whining, and complaining that this isn't a "real" school, so I cancelled school for the day. She got to sit and do nothing. Tomorrow I hope she makes a different choice, if not, she can sit again. There is nothing else I can do. It's a control thing, she wants control. This is why we have school in the summer too. I have to make sure she has enough days for the school year. I start early so I have days in the bank for when she acts like this.

Harsh? Maybe so. But, I can't put the pencil in her hand and make her work, I can't scream at her until she does because she won't, and I can't give her the answers.

Digger also had an off day. This morning he was in my room at 6am playing with the puppy, I asked what he was doing, he said going to the bathroom. I said "There?" And then he got up to use the bathroom. I took him back to his room, walked out, counted to 5 (do I know my children?) and went back in. He was standing on a rickety Lego table. Tonight when he was done his shower, he was being very quiet. I went in. he was on the floor, I asked what he was doing. He said "I fell". I had him stand where I could watch him for a few minutes to be sure he was ok, and wouldn't "fall" again. My little ADHD boy just gets sidetracked.

Life is busy, and crazy sometimes, but someone has to fight the fight for them.

To my friend in Ohio. Keep fighting! The fact that you are still there for your niece speaks volumes. When everyone else walks away, therapists, Dr's, teachers, administrators, friends someone has to be left standing. You are taking a different route than I am, but we are both in the trenches.

Cline? Thomas? Who to Read

The answer is READ THEM ALL!!! But, in saying that, understand that some of the things you read will get you in major trouble if you follow their advice. Check with your therapist/agency before putting into practice any RAD therapeutic strategies.

Nancy Thomas- I LOVE Nancy Thomas! I have so much admiration for her. But, you have to remember she has dealt with the worst of the worst. She has taken in children who have killed. One piece of advice she gives is that it's ok to put a child out of the car and allow them to walk if they are misbehaving. We'll assume she means a short distance, and only if the child is able to make good choices while they ARE walking. A parent I know put a child with mental health issues out of the car, and ended up being investigated because another foster parent called CYS and reported the incident. Make sure it is in your child's safety plan BEFORE you take advice you read in a book.

Brita St Clair- 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane- Ideas such as putting peas around the room of a bedwetter and then collecting the peas and serving peas (not the same ones) for dinner. I found this book to be full of ideas I would NEVER use. There were days I didn't have the energy to do dumb things. Alot of the book was teasing the child, although she says never do any of it in a mean way. If anyone wants the book, do NOT waste your money. Give me your address and I will send you my copy.

Foster Cline- Parenting with Love and Logic. I read this book every few months. It sits on my night stand. I love the thought that protecting these children is not loving them. They have to learn from their mistakes. If you constantly get in between them and the consequences for their actions, they won't have to learn. You'll see alot of Cline's influence when I deal with my children, especially with Pixie. :)

Gregory C Keck- Parenting The Hurt Child- Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow- Really hands on advice. Advice from adoptees, mothers, therapists/ all perspectives. This book includes lots of scenarios, and step by step what to say/do.

Creative Correction

I was listening to a radio program yesterday and they were talking about Creative Correction. I thought, what a great post that would be!

Disciplining a RAD child can be difficult. Rewards and sticker charts do not work. These children are manipulative. They already feel entitled, and feeding that will set their healing back. Trust me, when I first started dealing with RAD kiddos, I did all those things; just like I did with my biological children. What would inevitably happen is, the child would be good for the day, get the reward, and then misbehave. I would be left kicking myself for falling for it again. In school, this child would be told she could go to the party/class trip/play outside if she would behave in the morning. When I would pick her up after school, I would hear that she had tantrum because she couldn't have more candy, or have soda, or play with the toy she wanted to play with.

My newest little RADish isn't so lucky. She was forgetting her homework, EVERY day. The only consequence for this was she had to do the homework at the beginning of the recess, and then she could go out. Then, while my other kids were doing homework at night, she was playing and bothering them. I went to school and asked her teacher if she would make her stay in ALL recess if she forgets her homework. This has not totally stopped her "forgetfulness", but it has helped.

Timeouts also do not usually work. I say "usually" because I sometimes DO use them, but only to get a break. RADishes use timeouts as a time to spew hateful things at you. One of Song's rants began with, "I wish I was a rat, cause then I would come in your room and scare you..." When I did not react, of course it got meaner. When I give the timeout, I thank them for my time off, and I go listen to music, watch tv. If they get louder, I turn it up. Headphones will also work to protect your ears from their hateful words.

Early on, I had to come up with my own ideas on correcting annoying/inappropriate behavior.

The first thing I would have them do is play quietly NEAR me when they misbehave. Bringing them closer, even if they have been bad helps the bonding, although it can leave you feeling overwhelmed sometimes. I then started putting them at "zero". This means they can play with coloring books, crayons, books, games and puzzles. There are times when Song has been so reactive I have had to START her at zero for the day, and let her earn privileges as the day went on.

I had a psychiatrist tell me one time that she should start the day with all of her toys/things. If she misbehaved, take it away and give it back the very next morning! I disagreed, telling him I felt this would start a pattern of her misbehaving when she feels like it, knowing she would get all her stuff back the next day anyway. I did not take his advice, I give it back slowly when she loses things. NOT everything at once.

I also use alot of natural consequences, especially with my littlest one. Last week she forgot her school bag when I took her to school. She demanded that I go home and get it. She started crying and screaming. I walked her into her classroom. and explained to her teacher that Pixie is a little mad at me right now because I refused to go home and get her school bag. I knew it would mean she would lose recess, as per my previous agreement with her teacher. I love her teacher this year! She thanked me for not going home to get it, and told me to have a wonderful day! :) I win again!! :)

Nonsense chatter in the car can make you crazy. I have a "no talking in the car rule" that I invoke when they start. If it was just one RAD child, you might be able to cope with it. I have 2 diagnosed, and 1 suspected.

My last bit of advice would be not to clutter their rooms. Song has her bed, dresser, and a few books in her room. What I don't want to do is have her room full of toys. When she gets sent there for misbehaving or sent to bed early, I want her to have nothing to do, except go to bed. (I know she will not use the time to think about what she did wrong (she usually uses it to stomp on the floor), but the quiet time usually calms her down, and gives me a breather.

:)

What Does Trauma Look Like?

Children of trauma are often more sexualized than children from healthy homes. This can display itself in so many ways. The question is, how do you know if it's healthy little girl play, or a sign that more work needs to be done on boundaries and appropriate behavior?

After 6 years of working with children of trauma, I can tell you some of the signs are so vague that you have to trust your feelings.

I remember as a child playing with my sister that we would grow up, get married, have children, and live near each other. As I look back at my own play, I can tell you that the play was centered more on relationships that on the sex act or being pregnant.

Children of trauma will obsessively look at pictures of babies, be so preoccupied if they see a baby that they will zone out, and will play that they are pregnant by putting teddy bears or dolls in their clothing. They will often masturbate at a much younger age. Girls of trauma, especially sexual abuse, will urinate themselves and often mark their rooms with the urine. While these behaviors can be trying, you have to realize that it is not something they are doing on purpose to destroy your home or "push your buttons".

We have a rule in our home, if you make the mess/smell you clean it up. We have plastic on the mattresses and a special basket in our laundry room where wet clothing goes. Wet beds are sprayed and wiped down. If you wet yourself during the day, you must shower and change. It is not fair to subject the others in the home to the smell. If I have a wetter in the car, I will put a towel on the seat. The children in our home have assigned seats at the dining table so all of the chairs are not "marked".

Children of sexual abuse will not want to shower. They will not wash their hair or brush their teeth. You will know when they are starting to heal when the shampoo and body wash in their bathroom needs to be replaced frequently. I buy body wash at the Dollar Store. It's inexpensive and can be purchased in strong scents.

Girls may also refuse to wear a pad when menstruating,staining their underwear. I had one young lady who needed new underwear every 3 months because they would be so stained.

****Children of sexual abuse are at a higher risk for promiscuous behavior, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and eating disorders.

Misc ranting today

Our fifth left this morning. During her time here, she hit our cat, and kicked her as well. It's still hard to say a child cannot stay here. But sometimes you have to know what works in your home, and what you are willing to accept from a foster child. Hurting our animals has always been on our list of "will not accept".

We've only had children moved a few times. There was a teenage boy that still breaks my heart.He was successful for a period of time, and then he started to act out. He would storm out of my home, walk down the center of a busy road,curse at me, go after my husband, and bang on an adjoining wall he shared with Song. This would trigger her behaviors. He has been gone for over a year, but today Song remembered how she would (she acted this out) roll up in a ball when he started banging the wall. There are literally footprints on the ceiling and wall of his old room still. I don't know how they got there. Did he throw his shoes at the wall? Jump off his bed? I guess I haven't removed the marks because they still make me think of him. Knowing that it may cause some stress to Song will make me scrub that wall tonight.

I hate that he had to move. I wish I could have adopted him, and given him a home. I love him. Unfortunately, Song's needs had to be considered first. He, "R", has asked to have visits with us. I have also asked to have visits. We have been refused because we are no longer technically a therapeutic family. And here's why. See if you can see the irony in our story.

We quit our agency and went back to CYS after a therapeutic foster child we had for 2 years revealed to me that she and a boy at school were plotting to stab me because I wouldn't let them be together. This girl told her therapist, who didn't tell me. When I asked the therapist why, she said because she thought of "K" as a little sister. I handed in my letter of resignation, which was already typed, and went across the street to CYS.

I signed the necessary paperwork for them to contact my agency and get my clearances, and then called Corporate Compliance on the therapist. I received a call from Agency Headquarters asking me to return, I said no thank you, and was told we could return to the agency whenever we chose to. That was over a year ago. The therapist is still "R's" therapist, as well as "K's". Incidentally "K" is now asking to have contact with us, which we have refused.

As I have said before, it is a small town. I still deal with this agency when kiddos don't work out here and no other CYS family can take the child. Fifth has gone to this agency, as it is apparent she needs some therapy that this agency can offer her.

I won't name the agency. I feel they offer a great service to the community. Some children require more resources than CYS can offer. I am respectful to the personnel I used to work with. It is in the child's best interest. Is it not also in "R's" best interest to have contact with a family who is no longer with this agency at the fault of the AGENCY?

Pumpkin

Pumpkin is mad. And she has every right to be. She has mental health issues, learning disabilities, Reactive Attachment Disorder, seizure disorder, and PTSD. She was placed with us in October 2008. We have gotten to the point where we care about her, and want to be the family to help her get to independent living.

At court last month, we proposed being her legal guardians. Have I mentioned she came to us as a result of a disrupted adoption? Adoption carries different meanings for Pumpkin. Her adoptive mother voluntarily placed her and signed off on her rights. Adoptive mom said she didn't want her back until she could be "fixed".

Anyway, at court, the hearing master said legal guardianship was not a permanency plan! She wanted Children and Youth to place her on the adoption network and begin having visitations with prospective adoptive families! I heard this from a paralegal who was drawing up the paperwork. I told her to stop, that we WOULD adopt her. I feel like they twisted my arm, but I do care about this girl, and want to help her.

A couple of days ago, she didn't brush her teeth properly. I saw the toothpaste spit in the sink, no water in the bowl. I sent her back in. She started to argue. I told her she could go sit on the bottom stair until she was ready. She went to the step, and proceeded to bang her head on the stairs and wall. I sat near her to speak quietly to her. She raised her hand to hit me. I grabbed both her hands and said "No Pumpkin, we do not hurt each other". She called me a "mother fu****". Not the first time I have been called this. I have in fact, gone by many different names. Another foster radish called me by my surname "stupid bit**". She was 5.

So, as we await a court date to adopt this child, she is becoming anxious. She is reactive, and on top of it all, she is on her cycle. She gets very emotional right before her cycle. I mark a "boom" on my calender when she gets emotional, and 2-3 days later she will start her period. I am so angry at this system, the adoptive parents who think they can fix a child, and judges who won't listen to the foster parents. Pumpkin will never be able to function on her own, she will never drive a car, she may never even bond to us 100%, although her drs think she is bonding to us. She trusts us though. In the 1 1/2 years we have had her she has not been put in a RTF, not once. When we are processing inappropriate behaviors, she tells me that her adoptive mother would have put her in the hospital for hitting the wall, or banging her head on the floor. ( She's telling the truth. It is documented that out of the 5 years she lived with adoptive mom, she spent half the time in RTFs). I tell her "I do not put children in the hospital because they act like that". I give her "time in", meaning she gets to stay near me for a short time after acting out. I put her on "zero", which means she can only play with coloring books, puzzles, and games. She cannot touch our pets when she is emotional.

How, I want to know, was she supposed to handle getting moved from home to home for visits until a family agreed to take her?

To Respite or Not to Respite

I have recently begun reading the blog of a woman who is caring for her 12 year old niece who has Reactive Attachment Disorder. I won't go into her whole story except to say she is dealing with some very serious issues. There appears to be no support in her area, she is not getting the support of her niece's therapist, and her niece's behaviors have spiraled to the point that law enforcement has become involved. On top of all of this, she is about to lose her home, and cannot find work because of the amount of time she must devote to her niece's healing. She will be getting a respite this weekend from her parents.

My heart is hurting for her tonight. I don't even know her, and I can feel her pain. I had moments when I too questioned whether I was helping my child. I often wondered if she would be better with a younger family, in a residential treatment facility, on medication. Using respite, although it gave me a much needed rest, caused regression because Song would be so charming the family would spoil her. I never did find a respite person who would not fall under her spell, and then I would have to deal with the fallout when she returned home. I even had respite providers tell the agency THEY would adopt her if we didn't. I would pick her up, and she would have lovely little trinkets they had given her, or candy. Of course they would have to be taken from her, and then she would start on a rage. It simply was not worth using respite. After three attempts, I stopped using respite.

IF YOU are a respite provider for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, please do not buy them gifts or candy. In the beginning stages of their healing, these things should only come from the mother who cares for the child. If you give the child these things, they will use it as a weapon against the mother. It will be more proof in their mind that the mother doesn't love them because SHE doesn't give the child these things. RAD kids hold everything against the mom. It is your job as a respite provider to make the child appreciate their own home, not to make the child like YOU.

IF YOU need respite for your child with RAD, please be very choosy. Make it clear what your expectations of the respite are. This is not a vacation for the child. This is a rest for YOU because this child has raged and drained you of your strength. Make it clear that your child should have chores, no TV or electronics, and no gifts of any kind. They should not get to choose what they eat. (If children don't like what I serve for dinner, I tell them I hope they will like what is for breakfast.)No phone privileges; they cannot call mom. They need to wonder why mom is not calling them. Is she having fun? Doesn't she miss me?

I worry for my blogging friend. I hope her parents are not easily manipulated, and I hope her RADish comes home appreciating the home she is trying to give her.

Holding Poop

Why is it that RAD kids want to hold their poop?

I am dealing with this issue with "Pixie". A couple of weeks ago, she was sitting on the potty. I went in to start her shower. She had brown on her fingers and mouth. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, "stay calm" I told myself.

I asked that question you are never supposed to ask a RAD kid, "What did you do?"
"Nothing"....pause....."Nothing, really Mom"....pause, look away, look back.....
"Ok, I had to see if it was poop or not".
Me, "Where did it come from?"
Pixie, "my butt".
Me, "Then what did you think it was going to be?"
Pixie, fake cry....

In the past we have had many potty issues with "Song". The most recent was last summer. She was sent to her room for saying mean things. When I went up to talk to her, the smell was overwhelming.
Me, "What is that smell?"
Song, "It's not poop"
Me, "It smells like poop"
Song, "It's not, I don't do that anymore. Maybe the cat came in and farted".
Me, "It smells like poop", as I continue to look around her room. And then I found it.
insert heavenly music....
She has a built in box in her room that has a hinged lid on it. She decided to use it as a toilet. Song, fake cry....she spent the night scrubbing until the smell was gone.

The answer to my question is control! They have to control everything, and since they have none in my house, they control what they CAN....and that, is poop.

In The Beginning....

I find this is always a good place to start.

I am the adoptive mother of a RADish. We'll call her "Song", as she is ALWAYS singing and humming. I hope that as you read my blog, it can make you laugh, cry, and realize that you are not alone! There IS hope at the end of the road you are on. My 9 year old came to me as a product of abuse, and a foster care system that has little experience dealing with RAD. It's not that they are bad people. It's just that we live in a small town. I have educated myself on Reactive Attachment Disorder. I will continue to learn. For her.