Last summer, I decided to try having Song attend a summer camp. This was not just an ordinary summer camp. This was run by the CYS caseworkers and the Sheriff's Department. After getting the information from Song's therapist, and having her assurance that she would let them know what her behaviors were, I felt confident that all would be well. It was only for 3 days. And certainly I could use a break.
I took Song to the courthouse where we were to meet the group. Of course she had to go potty. I thought, "Oh great, here we go". I sent her IN to the courthouse to use the bathroom because we had her luggage, pillows, and sleeping bag. I would watch her things, and let her go in.
After about 10 minutes, I realized something was wrong. She hadn't come out. I left the things, and went in to find her, hoping nothing would be stolen. I couldn't find her. I asked at the security station, they didn't know where she went. There was only one way out, so I figured the best thing for me to do was wait outside. Another 10 minutes later, out she comes. She was walking funny, her pants bottoms were half on her shoes and half off. I asked her what happened. She said she took off her pants to use the bathroom and then couldn't get her pants back on over her shoes. Remember she's 9 years old.
I slid the pants aside to get the shoes off, pulled the pants up over her feet, and put her shoes back on.
Ok. it's ok, no problem. The bus comes, she gets on the bus with all her things. My heart is in my throat because I am so scared for her. I want the kids to like her, I want her to have fun, I want her to be well enough to enjoy this experience without ruining anyone else's time.
The night before I pick her up, I get a call from CYS. At THIS time I find out the caseworker who had been in contact with Song's therapist was sick, and didn't even go on the camping trip! I tried calling the camp, got a recording, and figured what was done was done. I would pick her up tomorrow and deal with the aftermath of what I had unknowingly created.
As the bus pulled in, I saw a caseworker who I am friendly with getting off the bus with Song. B's eyes looked huge, like she had been through something very traumatic. I knew that look. Song came off right after her, of course looking very pleased with herself and telling me she was so good at camp and had so much fun and she couldn't wait until next year, and did I know they had the best food......
Whew...
I looked at B and asked what happened. She said "Pretty much typical Song, had 3 boyfriends the first hour, was sitting way too close to boys, was disappearing and walking off on her own". I was furious! I said "Why wasn't I called the first day? I would have come and picked her up if caseworker X who was supposed to be monitoring her wasn't coming." My friend B didn't know, she had only gone to ride home on the bus with the kids. They told her about it when she got there an hour ago.
As I unpacked Song's clothing from camp, I noticed her old behaviors had reappeared. She had worn the same clothing all week, her towels weren't wet, toothbrush was bone dry. One shoe was missing, she was wearing her sandals. Her hair was not clean.
The moral to this story is, I was wrong. Even after dealing with her every minute of every day for 3 years I had misjudged how much she was healed. She can hold it together, for the most part, because I am her strength. If I am gone, she falls apart. Sometimes this knowledge is too overwhelming. Sometimes I don't want to be that NEEDED by anyone. And sometimes I see her laugh at an appropriate time, the light in her eyes is healthy and not dark, and I can see the child I want her to be.
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