Oh, how deceiving they can be. I remember tucking her in to bed the first night, and thinking that she would be ok now. She was so charming and loving. It seemed she started to bond that very first day. She was home, where I felt she belonged, we loved her, and that would be enough. It was not.
It was several weeks before I started to see the signs of the trauma she had been through. We had no other children in the home. My biological children were adults, living on their own. The agency wanted Song to be the only child placed in our home. I didn't understand this at first. I am a good parent. Surley with all the children who need homes, I could take another, a playmate for Song perhaps. As a therapeutic parent I was logging behaviors, working on her behavior plan, attending trainings (none of which told me exactly WHAT I should be doing to help her), and reading books and the internet for answers. The first thing I found was a list of the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder:
1. Superficially charming and engaging, particularly around strangers or those who
they feel they can manipulate
2. Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent’s terms
3. Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying
4. A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as the child gets older
5. Hypervigilant
6. Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks
7. Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things
8. Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues
9. Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times
10. Trouble understanding cause and effect
11. Poor impulse control
12. Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith
13. Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience
14. Cruelty to animals
15. Lying for no apparent reason
16. False allegations of abuse
17. Destructive to property or self
18. Stealing
19. Constant chatter; nonsense questions
20. Abnormal speech patterns; uninterested in learning communication skills
21. Developmental / Learning delays
22. Fascination with fire, blood and gore, weapons, evil; will usually make the bad choice
23. Problems with food; either hoarding it or refusing to eat
24. Concerned with details, but ignoring the main issues
25. Few or no long term friends; tend to be loners
26. Attitude of entitlement and self-importance
27. Sneaks things without permission even if he could have had them by asking
28. Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other
29. A darkness behind the eyes when raging
(radkid.org)
The first behavior she displayed was a fear of bathrooms. Going anywhere with her was a nightmare. The first outing I took her on was to see a play that my niece and nephew were in. Of course Song had to "go potty". I later learned that this REALLY meant she was preoccupied with bathrooms, and didn't really have to go. I took her from the auditorium, into the bathroom nonsense chattering the whole way. As we entered the bathroom, she started to back out. I took her hand, told her I would come in with her. Hesitantly she entered the stall and proceded to scream her head off. I knelt on the floor, and told her it was ok. She was scratching, clawing, and screaming. I picked her up and took her to the car. My fear was that someone would hear her, think I was hurting her, and she would be taken away. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes until she was calm. She had this behavior for about 2 years.
The next behavior that I charted was a fear at bedtime. She wanted to know where I was at all times. I could not go downstairs, she thought I would leave her. Part of this was fear, part was control. At one of her therapy sessions, I tried to explain to her therapist what I was seeing. She told me to put her in her room, tell her goodnight, and close the door. If she comes out, walk her back in. That was a disaster. After a few nights of this, my husband videotaped the bedtime routine. We have on tape four and a half hours of her screaming, crying, yelling for me to get back up there, coming out of her room, me taking her back in, and her banging and kicking on the door. At the next therapy session, I showed her caseworker the tape, and her therapist. Her therapist said it was one of the worst cases of RAD she has seen. Together we came up with a game plan to help my child start to heal. This woman probably saved my sanity. She would call me every couple of days to see how I was doing, not Song. She encouraged me. I am forever in her debt, and am so happy she is my friend.
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