I have recently begun reading the blog of a woman who is caring for her 12 year old niece who has Reactive Attachment Disorder. I won't go into her whole story except to say she is dealing with some very serious issues. There appears to be no support in her area, she is not getting the support of her niece's therapist, and her niece's behaviors have spiraled to the point that law enforcement has become involved. On top of all of this, she is about to lose her home, and cannot find work because of the amount of time she must devote to her niece's healing. She will be getting a respite this weekend from her parents.
My heart is hurting for her tonight. I don't even know her, and I can feel her pain. I had moments when I too questioned whether I was helping my child. I often wondered if she would be better with a younger family, in a residential treatment facility, on medication. Using respite, although it gave me a much needed rest, caused regression because Song would be so charming the family would spoil her. I never did find a respite person who would not fall under her spell, and then I would have to deal with the fallout when she returned home. I even had respite providers tell the agency THEY would adopt her if we didn't. I would pick her up, and she would have lovely little trinkets they had given her, or candy. Of course they would have to be taken from her, and then she would start on a rage. It simply was not worth using respite. After three attempts, I stopped using respite.
IF YOU are a respite provider for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, please do not buy them gifts or candy. In the beginning stages of their healing, these things should only come from the mother who cares for the child. If you give the child these things, they will use it as a weapon against the mother. It will be more proof in their mind that the mother doesn't love them because SHE doesn't give the child these things. RAD kids hold everything against the mom. It is your job as a respite provider to make the child appreciate their own home, not to make the child like YOU.
IF YOU need respite for your child with RAD, please be very choosy. Make it clear what your expectations of the respite are. This is not a vacation for the child. This is a rest for YOU because this child has raged and drained you of your strength. Make it clear that your child should have chores, no TV or electronics, and no gifts of any kind. They should not get to choose what they eat. (If children don't like what I serve for dinner, I tell them I hope they will like what is for breakfast.)No phone privileges; they cannot call mom. They need to wonder why mom is not calling them. Is she having fun? Doesn't she miss me?
I worry for my blogging friend. I hope her parents are not easily manipulated, and I hope her RADish comes home appreciating the home she is trying to give her.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Song's First...and LAST Experience at Summer Camp
Last summer, I decided to try having Song attend a summer camp. This was not just an ordinary summer camp. This was run by the CYS caseworkers and the Sheriff's Department. After getting the information from Song's therapist, and having her assurance that she would let them know what her behaviors were, I felt confident that all would be well. It was only for 3 days. And certainly I could use a break.
I took Song to the courthouse where we were to meet the group. Of course she had to go potty. I thought, "Oh great, here we go". I sent her IN to the courthouse to use the bathroom because we had her luggage, pillows, and sleeping bag. I would watch her things, and let her go in.
After about 10 minutes, I realized something was wrong. She hadn't come out. I left the things, and went in to find her, hoping nothing would be stolen. I couldn't find her. I asked at the security station, they didn't know where she went. There was only one way out, so I figured the best thing for me to do was wait outside. Another 10 minutes later, out she comes. She was walking funny, her pants bottoms were half on her shoes and half off. I asked her what happened. She said she took off her pants to use the bathroom and then couldn't get her pants back on over her shoes. Remember she's 9 years old.
I slid the pants aside to get the shoes off, pulled the pants up over her feet, and put her shoes back on.
Ok. it's ok, no problem. The bus comes, she gets on the bus with all her things. My heart is in my throat because I am so scared for her. I want the kids to like her, I want her to have fun, I want her to be well enough to enjoy this experience without ruining anyone else's time.
The night before I pick her up, I get a call from CYS. At THIS time I find out the caseworker who had been in contact with Song's therapist was sick, and didn't even go on the camping trip! I tried calling the camp, got a recording, and figured what was done was done. I would pick her up tomorrow and deal with the aftermath of what I had unknowingly created.
As the bus pulled in, I saw a caseworker who I am friendly with getting off the bus with Song. B's eyes looked huge, like she had been through something very traumatic. I knew that look. Song came off right after her, of course looking very pleased with herself and telling me she was so good at camp and had so much fun and she couldn't wait until next year, and did I know they had the best food......
Whew...
I looked at B and asked what happened. She said "Pretty much typical Song, had 3 boyfriends the first hour, was sitting way too close to boys, was disappearing and walking off on her own". I was furious! I said "Why wasn't I called the first day? I would have come and picked her up if caseworker X who was supposed to be monitoring her wasn't coming." My friend B didn't know, she had only gone to ride home on the bus with the kids. They told her about it when she got there an hour ago.
As I unpacked Song's clothing from camp, I noticed her old behaviors had reappeared. She had worn the same clothing all week, her towels weren't wet, toothbrush was bone dry. One shoe was missing, she was wearing her sandals. Her hair was not clean.
The moral to this story is, I was wrong. Even after dealing with her every minute of every day for 3 years I had misjudged how much she was healed. She can hold it together, for the most part, because I am her strength. If I am gone, she falls apart. Sometimes this knowledge is too overwhelming. Sometimes I don't want to be that NEEDED by anyone. And sometimes I see her laugh at an appropriate time, the light in her eyes is healthy and not dark, and I can see the child I want her to be.
I took Song to the courthouse where we were to meet the group. Of course she had to go potty. I thought, "Oh great, here we go". I sent her IN to the courthouse to use the bathroom because we had her luggage, pillows, and sleeping bag. I would watch her things, and let her go in.
After about 10 minutes, I realized something was wrong. She hadn't come out. I left the things, and went in to find her, hoping nothing would be stolen. I couldn't find her. I asked at the security station, they didn't know where she went. There was only one way out, so I figured the best thing for me to do was wait outside. Another 10 minutes later, out she comes. She was walking funny, her pants bottoms were half on her shoes and half off. I asked her what happened. She said she took off her pants to use the bathroom and then couldn't get her pants back on over her shoes. Remember she's 9 years old.
I slid the pants aside to get the shoes off, pulled the pants up over her feet, and put her shoes back on.
Ok. it's ok, no problem. The bus comes, she gets on the bus with all her things. My heart is in my throat because I am so scared for her. I want the kids to like her, I want her to have fun, I want her to be well enough to enjoy this experience without ruining anyone else's time.
The night before I pick her up, I get a call from CYS. At THIS time I find out the caseworker who had been in contact with Song's therapist was sick, and didn't even go on the camping trip! I tried calling the camp, got a recording, and figured what was done was done. I would pick her up tomorrow and deal with the aftermath of what I had unknowingly created.
As the bus pulled in, I saw a caseworker who I am friendly with getting off the bus with Song. B's eyes looked huge, like she had been through something very traumatic. I knew that look. Song came off right after her, of course looking very pleased with herself and telling me she was so good at camp and had so much fun and she couldn't wait until next year, and did I know they had the best food......
Whew...
I looked at B and asked what happened. She said "Pretty much typical Song, had 3 boyfriends the first hour, was sitting way too close to boys, was disappearing and walking off on her own". I was furious! I said "Why wasn't I called the first day? I would have come and picked her up if caseworker X who was supposed to be monitoring her wasn't coming." My friend B didn't know, she had only gone to ride home on the bus with the kids. They told her about it when she got there an hour ago.
As I unpacked Song's clothing from camp, I noticed her old behaviors had reappeared. She had worn the same clothing all week, her towels weren't wet, toothbrush was bone dry. One shoe was missing, she was wearing her sandals. Her hair was not clean.
The moral to this story is, I was wrong. Even after dealing with her every minute of every day for 3 years I had misjudged how much she was healed. She can hold it together, for the most part, because I am her strength. If I am gone, she falls apart. Sometimes this knowledge is too overwhelming. Sometimes I don't want to be that NEEDED by anyone. And sometimes I see her laugh at an appropriate time, the light in her eyes is healthy and not dark, and I can see the child I want her to be.
Holding Poop
Why is it that RAD kids want to hold their poop?
I am dealing with this issue with "Pixie". A couple of weeks ago, she was sitting on the potty. I went in to start her shower. She had brown on her fingers and mouth. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, "stay calm" I told myself.
I asked that question you are never supposed to ask a RAD kid, "What did you do?"
"Nothing"....pause....."Nothing, really Mom"....pause, look away, look back.....
"Ok, I had to see if it was poop or not".
Me, "Where did it come from?"
Pixie, "my butt".
Me, "Then what did you think it was going to be?"
Pixie, fake cry....
In the past we have had many potty issues with "Song". The most recent was last summer. She was sent to her room for saying mean things. When I went up to talk to her, the smell was overwhelming.
Me, "What is that smell?"
Song, "It's not poop"
Me, "It smells like poop"
Song, "It's not, I don't do that anymore. Maybe the cat came in and farted".
Me, "It smells like poop", as I continue to look around her room. And then I found it.
insert heavenly music....
She has a built in box in her room that has a hinged lid on it. She decided to use it as a toilet. Song, fake cry....she spent the night scrubbing until the smell was gone.
The answer to my question is control! They have to control everything, and since they have none in my house, they control what they CAN....and that, is poop.
I am dealing with this issue with "Pixie". A couple of weeks ago, she was sitting on the potty. I went in to start her shower. She had brown on her fingers and mouth. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, "stay calm" I told myself.
I asked that question you are never supposed to ask a RAD kid, "What did you do?"
"Nothing"....pause....."Nothing, really Mom"....pause, look away, look back.....
"Ok, I had to see if it was poop or not".
Me, "Where did it come from?"
Pixie, "my butt".
Me, "Then what did you think it was going to be?"
Pixie, fake cry....
In the past we have had many potty issues with "Song". The most recent was last summer. She was sent to her room for saying mean things. When I went up to talk to her, the smell was overwhelming.
Me, "What is that smell?"
Song, "It's not poop"
Me, "It smells like poop"
Song, "It's not, I don't do that anymore. Maybe the cat came in and farted".
Me, "It smells like poop", as I continue to look around her room. And then I found it.
insert heavenly music....
She has a built in box in her room that has a hinged lid on it. She decided to use it as a toilet. Song, fake cry....she spent the night scrubbing until the smell was gone.
The answer to my question is control! They have to control everything, and since they have none in my house, they control what they CAN....and that, is poop.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
First Impressions of "Song"
Oh, how deceiving they can be. I remember tucking her in to bed the first night, and thinking that she would be ok now. She was so charming and loving. It seemed she started to bond that very first day. She was home, where I felt she belonged, we loved her, and that would be enough. It was not.
It was several weeks before I started to see the signs of the trauma she had been through. We had no other children in the home. My biological children were adults, living on their own. The agency wanted Song to be the only child placed in our home. I didn't understand this at first. I am a good parent. Surley with all the children who need homes, I could take another, a playmate for Song perhaps. As a therapeutic parent I was logging behaviors, working on her behavior plan, attending trainings (none of which told me exactly WHAT I should be doing to help her), and reading books and the internet for answers. The first thing I found was a list of the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder:
1. Superficially charming and engaging, particularly around strangers or those who
they feel they can manipulate
2. Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent’s terms
3. Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying
4. A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as the child gets older
5. Hypervigilant
6. Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks
7. Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things
8. Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues
9. Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times
10. Trouble understanding cause and effect
11. Poor impulse control
12. Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith
13. Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience
14. Cruelty to animals
15. Lying for no apparent reason
16. False allegations of abuse
17. Destructive to property or self
18. Stealing
19. Constant chatter; nonsense questions
20. Abnormal speech patterns; uninterested in learning communication skills
21. Developmental / Learning delays
22. Fascination with fire, blood and gore, weapons, evil; will usually make the bad choice
23. Problems with food; either hoarding it or refusing to eat
24. Concerned with details, but ignoring the main issues
25. Few or no long term friends; tend to be loners
26. Attitude of entitlement and self-importance
27. Sneaks things without permission even if he could have had them by asking
28. Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other
29. A darkness behind the eyes when raging
(radkid.org)
The first behavior she displayed was a fear of bathrooms. Going anywhere with her was a nightmare. The first outing I took her on was to see a play that my niece and nephew were in. Of course Song had to "go potty". I later learned that this REALLY meant she was preoccupied with bathrooms, and didn't really have to go. I took her from the auditorium, into the bathroom nonsense chattering the whole way. As we entered the bathroom, she started to back out. I took her hand, told her I would come in with her. Hesitantly she entered the stall and proceded to scream her head off. I knelt on the floor, and told her it was ok. She was scratching, clawing, and screaming. I picked her up and took her to the car. My fear was that someone would hear her, think I was hurting her, and she would be taken away. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes until she was calm. She had this behavior for about 2 years.
The next behavior that I charted was a fear at bedtime. She wanted to know where I was at all times. I could not go downstairs, she thought I would leave her. Part of this was fear, part was control. At one of her therapy sessions, I tried to explain to her therapist what I was seeing. She told me to put her in her room, tell her goodnight, and close the door. If she comes out, walk her back in. That was a disaster. After a few nights of this, my husband videotaped the bedtime routine. We have on tape four and a half hours of her screaming, crying, yelling for me to get back up there, coming out of her room, me taking her back in, and her banging and kicking on the door. At the next therapy session, I showed her caseworker the tape, and her therapist. Her therapist said it was one of the worst cases of RAD she has seen. Together we came up with a game plan to help my child start to heal. This woman probably saved my sanity. She would call me every couple of days to see how I was doing, not Song. She encouraged me. I am forever in her debt, and am so happy she is my friend.
It was several weeks before I started to see the signs of the trauma she had been through. We had no other children in the home. My biological children were adults, living on their own. The agency wanted Song to be the only child placed in our home. I didn't understand this at first. I am a good parent. Surley with all the children who need homes, I could take another, a playmate for Song perhaps. As a therapeutic parent I was logging behaviors, working on her behavior plan, attending trainings (none of which told me exactly WHAT I should be doing to help her), and reading books and the internet for answers. The first thing I found was a list of the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder:
1. Superficially charming and engaging, particularly around strangers or those who
they feel they can manipulate
2. Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent’s terms
3. Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying
4. A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as the child gets older
5. Hypervigilant
6. Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks
7. Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things
8. Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues
9. Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times
10. Trouble understanding cause and effect
11. Poor impulse control
12. Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith
13. Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience
14. Cruelty to animals
15. Lying for no apparent reason
16. False allegations of abuse
17. Destructive to property or self
18. Stealing
19. Constant chatter; nonsense questions
20. Abnormal speech patterns; uninterested in learning communication skills
21. Developmental / Learning delays
22. Fascination with fire, blood and gore, weapons, evil; will usually make the bad choice
23. Problems with food; either hoarding it or refusing to eat
24. Concerned with details, but ignoring the main issues
25. Few or no long term friends; tend to be loners
26. Attitude of entitlement and self-importance
27. Sneaks things without permission even if he could have had them by asking
28. Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other
29. A darkness behind the eyes when raging
(radkid.org)
The first behavior she displayed was a fear of bathrooms. Going anywhere with her was a nightmare. The first outing I took her on was to see a play that my niece and nephew were in. Of course Song had to "go potty". I later learned that this REALLY meant she was preoccupied with bathrooms, and didn't really have to go. I took her from the auditorium, into the bathroom nonsense chattering the whole way. As we entered the bathroom, she started to back out. I took her hand, told her I would come in with her. Hesitantly she entered the stall and proceded to scream her head off. I knelt on the floor, and told her it was ok. She was scratching, clawing, and screaming. I picked her up and took her to the car. My fear was that someone would hear her, think I was hurting her, and she would be taken away. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes until she was calm. She had this behavior for about 2 years.
The next behavior that I charted was a fear at bedtime. She wanted to know where I was at all times. I could not go downstairs, she thought I would leave her. Part of this was fear, part was control. At one of her therapy sessions, I tried to explain to her therapist what I was seeing. She told me to put her in her room, tell her goodnight, and close the door. If she comes out, walk her back in. That was a disaster. After a few nights of this, my husband videotaped the bedtime routine. We have on tape four and a half hours of her screaming, crying, yelling for me to get back up there, coming out of her room, me taking her back in, and her banging and kicking on the door. At the next therapy session, I showed her caseworker the tape, and her therapist. Her therapist said it was one of the worst cases of RAD she has seen. Together we came up with a game plan to help my child start to heal. This woman probably saved my sanity. She would call me every couple of days to see how I was doing, not Song. She encouraged me. I am forever in her debt, and am so happy she is my friend.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
"Song's" History
I have found myself with some free time tonight, so I thought I would share a little of Song's history.
I first met Song when she was placed as a foster child with a relative. That placement lasted about 2 years. I lived in a different town in the beginning, but moved near them in time to love this child. This relative began telling me of this 4 year olds behaviors. She couldn't deal with it any more. She had 2 other foster children, and Song would constantly "hurt" them. It was reported she pinched them, bit them, hit them, broke toys they got because she was jealous. The plan was for her to return to her biological parents. as this relative was nearing the end of her rope with Song, my husband and I began the process of becoming foster parents. Before we could finish our training, Song was sent home to live with her bio parents. I would see her often, walking the streets of our town with her mother. She looked horrible. She was 5, but looked like a little teenager strutting around. Her hair was always a mess. We got a call about a sibling group of 3 children who needed a placement. We decided since we had been trained and certified, maybe we could help this group of children. So, we took the placement. A month later I found out Song had been voluntarily placed again by her parents! I called her caseworker, and asked about her. She said she was doing "well", and she didn't want to move her. I told her IF she needed another placement, to please call me, that we wanted to adopt song if she became available.
The 3 kiddos we had went home a couple of months later. And then, I got a call. Song was removed from the home for making false allegations against a child in the home, had been placed in another home, and now they too were asking to have her moved. She had an evaluation and was diagnosed with PTSD, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The caseworker was looking to place her again, remembered my offer, and said if we wanted her we would have to be trained as therapeutic foster parents for another agency. We agreed, and within 2 weeks, thanks to the efforts of the agency, we were certified as therapeutic foster parents. We took Song into our home. We were the 11th placement for Song. She was 5 years old, almost 6.
I first met Song when she was placed as a foster child with a relative. That placement lasted about 2 years. I lived in a different town in the beginning, but moved near them in time to love this child. This relative began telling me of this 4 year olds behaviors. She couldn't deal with it any more. She had 2 other foster children, and Song would constantly "hurt" them. It was reported she pinched them, bit them, hit them, broke toys they got because she was jealous. The plan was for her to return to her biological parents. as this relative was nearing the end of her rope with Song, my husband and I began the process of becoming foster parents. Before we could finish our training, Song was sent home to live with her bio parents. I would see her often, walking the streets of our town with her mother. She looked horrible. She was 5, but looked like a little teenager strutting around. Her hair was always a mess. We got a call about a sibling group of 3 children who needed a placement. We decided since we had been trained and certified, maybe we could help this group of children. So, we took the placement. A month later I found out Song had been voluntarily placed again by her parents! I called her caseworker, and asked about her. She said she was doing "well", and she didn't want to move her. I told her IF she needed another placement, to please call me, that we wanted to adopt song if she became available.
The 3 kiddos we had went home a couple of months later. And then, I got a call. Song was removed from the home for making false allegations against a child in the home, had been placed in another home, and now they too were asking to have her moved. She had an evaluation and was diagnosed with PTSD, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The caseworker was looking to place her again, remembered my offer, and said if we wanted her we would have to be trained as therapeutic foster parents for another agency. We agreed, and within 2 weeks, thanks to the efforts of the agency, we were certified as therapeutic foster parents. We took Song into our home. We were the 11th placement for Song. She was 5 years old, almost 6.
In The Beginning....
I find this is always a good place to start.
I am the adoptive mother of a RADish. We'll call her "Song", as she is ALWAYS singing and humming. I hope that as you read my blog, it can make you laugh, cry, and realize that you are not alone! There IS hope at the end of the road you are on. My 9 year old came to me as a product of abuse, and a foster care system that has little experience dealing with RAD. It's not that they are bad people. It's just that we live in a small town. I have educated myself on Reactive Attachment Disorder. I will continue to learn. For her.
I am the adoptive mother of a RADish. We'll call her "Song", as she is ALWAYS singing and humming. I hope that as you read my blog, it can make you laugh, cry, and realize that you are not alone! There IS hope at the end of the road you are on. My 9 year old came to me as a product of abuse, and a foster care system that has little experience dealing with RAD. It's not that they are bad people. It's just that we live in a small town. I have educated myself on Reactive Attachment Disorder. I will continue to learn. For her.
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