Fighting the Fight

It's been so long since I wrote, I decided to catch up on all the goings on.

First of all, Pixie is now free to be adopted! Yay! The bio parents have appealed to the superior court, and lost. They could have appealed to the Supreme Court, but their lawyers have told CYS they will not do that.

Pixie is my wild card. I don't know for sure that she has RAD, but she sure has all the signs. Control, being bossy, manipulative, poop issues, superficially loving. I know they say you should get a diagnosis, but really? at this point, we KNOW what to do. It's not that labeling another of my kiddos with RAD would hurt anything. It wouldn't. It also won't change anything, and as for having resources and therapists etc...no thanks. I have had my fill. This is my fight, my battle for them. I don't want her medicated, and I don't need help, so what's the reason to take her to be evaluated. Daily we deal with feelings, consequences. She is doing well in school, but if she does have trouble, I'll home school her as well.

Homeschooling a RADish isn't easy. It's also not always fun. Today Song had to read 2pages in Science, and answer one question thoughtfully. She wouldn't. She kept asking for help, started crying, whining, and complaining that this isn't a "real" school, so I cancelled school for the day. She got to sit and do nothing. Tomorrow I hope she makes a different choice, if not, she can sit again. There is nothing else I can do. It's a control thing, she wants control. This is why we have school in the summer too. I have to make sure she has enough days for the school year. I start early so I have days in the bank for when she acts like this.

Harsh? Maybe so. But, I can't put the pencil in her hand and make her work, I can't scream at her until she does because she won't, and I can't give her the answers.

Digger also had an off day. This morning he was in my room at 6am playing with the puppy, I asked what he was doing, he said going to the bathroom. I said "There?" And then he got up to use the bathroom. I took him back to his room, walked out, counted to 5 (do I know my children?) and went back in. He was standing on a rickety Lego table. Tonight when he was done his shower, he was being very quiet. I went in. he was on the floor, I asked what he was doing. He said "I fell". I had him stand where I could watch him for a few minutes to be sure he was ok, and wouldn't "fall" again. My little ADHD boy just gets sidetracked.

Life is busy, and crazy sometimes, but someone has to fight the fight for them.

To my friend in Ohio. Keep fighting! The fact that you are still there for your niece speaks volumes. When everyone else walks away, therapists, Dr's, teachers, administrators, friends someone has to be left standing. You are taking a different route than I am, but we are both in the trenches.

Cline? Thomas? Who to Read

The answer is READ THEM ALL!!! But, in saying that, understand that some of the things you read will get you in major trouble if you follow their advice. Check with your therapist/agency before putting into practice any RAD therapeutic strategies.

Nancy Thomas- I LOVE Nancy Thomas! I have so much admiration for her. But, you have to remember she has dealt with the worst of the worst. She has taken in children who have killed. One piece of advice she gives is that it's ok to put a child out of the car and allow them to walk if they are misbehaving. We'll assume she means a short distance, and only if the child is able to make good choices while they ARE walking. A parent I know put a child with mental health issues out of the car, and ended up being investigated because another foster parent called CYS and reported the incident. Make sure it is in your child's safety plan BEFORE you take advice you read in a book.

Brita St Clair- 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane- Ideas such as putting peas around the room of a bedwetter and then collecting the peas and serving peas (not the same ones) for dinner. I found this book to be full of ideas I would NEVER use. There were days I didn't have the energy to do dumb things. Alot of the book was teasing the child, although she says never do any of it in a mean way. If anyone wants the book, do NOT waste your money. Give me your address and I will send you my copy.

Foster Cline- Parenting with Love and Logic. I read this book every few months. It sits on my night stand. I love the thought that protecting these children is not loving them. They have to learn from their mistakes. If you constantly get in between them and the consequences for their actions, they won't have to learn. You'll see alot of Cline's influence when I deal with my children, especially with Pixie. :)

Gregory C Keck- Parenting The Hurt Child- Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow- Really hands on advice. Advice from adoptees, mothers, therapists/ all perspectives. This book includes lots of scenarios, and step by step what to say/do.

Creative Correction

I was listening to a radio program yesterday and they were talking about Creative Correction. I thought, what a great post that would be!

Disciplining a RAD child can be difficult. Rewards and sticker charts do not work. These children are manipulative. They already feel entitled, and feeding that will set their healing back. Trust me, when I first started dealing with RAD kiddos, I did all those things; just like I did with my biological children. What would inevitably happen is, the child would be good for the day, get the reward, and then misbehave. I would be left kicking myself for falling for it again. In school, this child would be told she could go to the party/class trip/play outside if she would behave in the morning. When I would pick her up after school, I would hear that she had tantrum because she couldn't have more candy, or have soda, or play with the toy she wanted to play with.

My newest little RADish isn't so lucky. She was forgetting her homework, EVERY day. The only consequence for this was she had to do the homework at the beginning of the recess, and then she could go out. Then, while my other kids were doing homework at night, she was playing and bothering them. I went to school and asked her teacher if she would make her stay in ALL recess if she forgets her homework. This has not totally stopped her "forgetfulness", but it has helped.

Timeouts also do not usually work. I say "usually" because I sometimes DO use them, but only to get a break. RADishes use timeouts as a time to spew hateful things at you. One of Song's rants began with, "I wish I was a rat, cause then I would come in your room and scare you..." When I did not react, of course it got meaner. When I give the timeout, I thank them for my time off, and I go listen to music, watch tv. If they get louder, I turn it up. Headphones will also work to protect your ears from their hateful words.

Early on, I had to come up with my own ideas on correcting annoying/inappropriate behavior.

The first thing I would have them do is play quietly NEAR me when they misbehave. Bringing them closer, even if they have been bad helps the bonding, although it can leave you feeling overwhelmed sometimes. I then started putting them at "zero". This means they can play with coloring books, crayons, books, games and puzzles. There are times when Song has been so reactive I have had to START her at zero for the day, and let her earn privileges as the day went on.

I had a psychiatrist tell me one time that she should start the day with all of her toys/things. If she misbehaved, take it away and give it back the very next morning! I disagreed, telling him I felt this would start a pattern of her misbehaving when she feels like it, knowing she would get all her stuff back the next day anyway. I did not take his advice, I give it back slowly when she loses things. NOT everything at once.

I also use alot of natural consequences, especially with my littlest one. Last week she forgot her school bag when I took her to school. She demanded that I go home and get it. She started crying and screaming. I walked her into her classroom. and explained to her teacher that Pixie is a little mad at me right now because I refused to go home and get her school bag. I knew it would mean she would lose recess, as per my previous agreement with her teacher. I love her teacher this year! She thanked me for not going home to get it, and told me to have a wonderful day! :) I win again!! :)

Nonsense chatter in the car can make you crazy. I have a "no talking in the car rule" that I invoke when they start. If it was just one RAD child, you might be able to cope with it. I have 2 diagnosed, and 1 suspected.

My last bit of advice would be not to clutter their rooms. Song has her bed, dresser, and a few books in her room. What I don't want to do is have her room full of toys. When she gets sent there for misbehaving or sent to bed early, I want her to have nothing to do, except go to bed. (I know she will not use the time to think about what she did wrong (she usually uses it to stomp on the floor), but the quiet time usually calms her down, and gives me a breather.

:)

What Does Trauma Look Like?

Children of trauma are often more sexualized than children from healthy homes. This can display itself in so many ways. The question is, how do you know if it's healthy little girl play, or a sign that more work needs to be done on boundaries and appropriate behavior?

After 6 years of working with children of trauma, I can tell you some of the signs are so vague that you have to trust your feelings.

I remember as a child playing with my sister that we would grow up, get married, have children, and live near each other. As I look back at my own play, I can tell you that the play was centered more on relationships that on the sex act or being pregnant.

Children of trauma will obsessively look at pictures of babies, be so preoccupied if they see a baby that they will zone out, and will play that they are pregnant by putting teddy bears or dolls in their clothing. They will often masturbate at a much younger age. Girls of trauma, especially sexual abuse, will urinate themselves and often mark their rooms with the urine. While these behaviors can be trying, you have to realize that it is not something they are doing on purpose to destroy your home or "push your buttons".

We have a rule in our home, if you make the mess/smell you clean it up. We have plastic on the mattresses and a special basket in our laundry room where wet clothing goes. Wet beds are sprayed and wiped down. If you wet yourself during the day, you must shower and change. It is not fair to subject the others in the home to the smell. If I have a wetter in the car, I will put a towel on the seat. The children in our home have assigned seats at the dining table so all of the chairs are not "marked".

Children of sexual abuse will not want to shower. They will not wash their hair or brush their teeth. You will know when they are starting to heal when the shampoo and body wash in their bathroom needs to be replaced frequently. I buy body wash at the Dollar Store. It's inexpensive and can be purchased in strong scents.

Girls may also refuse to wear a pad when menstruating,staining their underwear. I had one young lady who needed new underwear every 3 months because they would be so stained.

****Children of sexual abuse are at a higher risk for promiscuous behavior, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and eating disorders.

Misc ranting today

Our fifth left this morning. During her time here, she hit our cat, and kicked her as well. It's still hard to say a child cannot stay here. But sometimes you have to know what works in your home, and what you are willing to accept from a foster child. Hurting our animals has always been on our list of "will not accept".

We've only had children moved a few times. There was a teenage boy that still breaks my heart.He was successful for a period of time, and then he started to act out. He would storm out of my home, walk down the center of a busy road,curse at me, go after my husband, and bang on an adjoining wall he shared with Song. This would trigger her behaviors. He has been gone for over a year, but today Song remembered how she would (she acted this out) roll up in a ball when he started banging the wall. There are literally footprints on the ceiling and wall of his old room still. I don't know how they got there. Did he throw his shoes at the wall? Jump off his bed? I guess I haven't removed the marks because they still make me think of him. Knowing that it may cause some stress to Song will make me scrub that wall tonight.

I hate that he had to move. I wish I could have adopted him, and given him a home. I love him. Unfortunately, Song's needs had to be considered first. He, "R", has asked to have visits with us. I have also asked to have visits. We have been refused because we are no longer technically a therapeutic family. And here's why. See if you can see the irony in our story.

We quit our agency and went back to CYS after a therapeutic foster child we had for 2 years revealed to me that she and a boy at school were plotting to stab me because I wouldn't let them be together. This girl told her therapist, who didn't tell me. When I asked the therapist why, she said because she thought of "K" as a little sister. I handed in my letter of resignation, which was already typed, and went across the street to CYS.

I signed the necessary paperwork for them to contact my agency and get my clearances, and then called Corporate Compliance on the therapist. I received a call from Agency Headquarters asking me to return, I said no thank you, and was told we could return to the agency whenever we chose to. That was over a year ago. The therapist is still "R's" therapist, as well as "K's". Incidentally "K" is now asking to have contact with us, which we have refused.

As I have said before, it is a small town. I still deal with this agency when kiddos don't work out here and no other CYS family can take the child. Fifth has gone to this agency, as it is apparent she needs some therapy that this agency can offer her.

I won't name the agency. I feel they offer a great service to the community. Some children require more resources than CYS can offer. I am respectful to the personnel I used to work with. It is in the child's best interest. Is it not also in "R's" best interest to have contact with a family who is no longer with this agency at the fault of the AGENCY?

Fifth Wheel and Pets

It's true, when you have a fifth it IS harder. Especially if the fifth is an autistic 11 year old girl.

Fifth has been with us since November. She will be leaving Friday to go to another foster home. Not because it is more work, which it totally IS, but because she hit my cat. HARD! We have a rule in our home that we do not, under any circumstances, take a child who will hurt our pets. When our other children are being emotional, they are not even allowed to TOUCH the pets.

Are children more important than pets? Absolutely. But, the pets were here first. We have a duty to protect them. If the children had been here first, we would not have pets because the first time they hurt them, we would rehome the pets.

They say that children of trauma should never be able to have any pets at all, under any circumstances, during their healing. I don't totally agree with this. But, having said that, you should know that children of trauma will sexually abuse your pet, they will hit your pet, and they may feed your pet something that it shouldn't have. Supervision is key. NEVER leave your pet alone with a traumatized child unless you are prepared for the possibility that your pet may be mistreated, or even killed.

Pumpkin

Pumpkin is mad. And she has every right to be. She has mental health issues, learning disabilities, Reactive Attachment Disorder, seizure disorder, and PTSD. She was placed with us in October 2008. We have gotten to the point where we care about her, and want to be the family to help her get to independent living.

At court last month, we proposed being her legal guardians. Have I mentioned she came to us as a result of a disrupted adoption? Adoption carries different meanings for Pumpkin. Her adoptive mother voluntarily placed her and signed off on her rights. Adoptive mom said she didn't want her back until she could be "fixed".

Anyway, at court, the hearing master said legal guardianship was not a permanency plan! She wanted Children and Youth to place her on the adoption network and begin having visitations with prospective adoptive families! I heard this from a paralegal who was drawing up the paperwork. I told her to stop, that we WOULD adopt her. I feel like they twisted my arm, but I do care about this girl, and want to help her.

A couple of days ago, she didn't brush her teeth properly. I saw the toothpaste spit in the sink, no water in the bowl. I sent her back in. She started to argue. I told her she could go sit on the bottom stair until she was ready. She went to the step, and proceeded to bang her head on the stairs and wall. I sat near her to speak quietly to her. She raised her hand to hit me. I grabbed both her hands and said "No Pumpkin, we do not hurt each other". She called me a "mother fu****". Not the first time I have been called this. I have in fact, gone by many different names. Another foster radish called me by my surname "stupid bit**". She was 5.

So, as we await a court date to adopt this child, she is becoming anxious. She is reactive, and on top of it all, she is on her cycle. She gets very emotional right before her cycle. I mark a "boom" on my calender when she gets emotional, and 2-3 days later she will start her period. I am so angry at this system, the adoptive parents who think they can fix a child, and judges who won't listen to the foster parents. Pumpkin will never be able to function on her own, she will never drive a car, she may never even bond to us 100%, although her drs think she is bonding to us. She trusts us though. In the 1 1/2 years we have had her she has not been put in a RTF, not once. When we are processing inappropriate behaviors, she tells me that her adoptive mother would have put her in the hospital for hitting the wall, or banging her head on the floor. ( She's telling the truth. It is documented that out of the 5 years she lived with adoptive mom, she spent half the time in RTFs). I tell her "I do not put children in the hospital because they act like that". I give her "time in", meaning she gets to stay near me for a short time after acting out. I put her on "zero", which means she can only play with coloring books, puzzles, and games. She cannot touch our pets when she is emotional.

How, I want to know, was she supposed to handle getting moved from home to home for visits until a family agreed to take her?

Triggers

There is a blue Victorian home in our town that Song's bio parents used to rent an apartment in. I know this is a trigger for Song. In therapy she has drawn pictures of big blue angry houses with lightening and thunder all around it. Sometimes the house is on fire. Sometimes she draws OUR family standing outside the house. She talks about a bathroom in the house. She has bathroom issues. Her therapists have all guessed that there was sexual abuse going on because of her behaviors. She was too little to really remember if anything did happen. I hope she never does.

Last week we had to drive past that house. It was unavoidable. I caught her hiding her face with her hand. I asked what she was doing. She said "I'm not looking, because I know if I look, I will act out". Points to her for realizing it, but it never stops the regression.

This morning I was putting away the laundry she folded. My clothes were all wrinkled in the basket. No, she isn't screaming, kicking, clawing and saying mean things to me. Her behaviors now are more passive aggressive. My clothing is rolled into a ball and put in the basket for me to find. She wants me to know she is mad at me for not saving her from the trauma she had when she was little.

Right now she is folding and refolding HER laundry. We will call this Home Ec in our homeschool log, or Lifeskills. Later we will talk about seeing the blue house and how it made her feel. But for now, I am enjoying the day "off" as a teacher she has given me.

To Respite or Not to Respite

I have recently begun reading the blog of a woman who is caring for her 12 year old niece who has Reactive Attachment Disorder. I won't go into her whole story except to say she is dealing with some very serious issues. There appears to be no support in her area, she is not getting the support of her niece's therapist, and her niece's behaviors have spiraled to the point that law enforcement has become involved. On top of all of this, she is about to lose her home, and cannot find work because of the amount of time she must devote to her niece's healing. She will be getting a respite this weekend from her parents.

My heart is hurting for her tonight. I don't even know her, and I can feel her pain. I had moments when I too questioned whether I was helping my child. I often wondered if she would be better with a younger family, in a residential treatment facility, on medication. Using respite, although it gave me a much needed rest, caused regression because Song would be so charming the family would spoil her. I never did find a respite person who would not fall under her spell, and then I would have to deal with the fallout when she returned home. I even had respite providers tell the agency THEY would adopt her if we didn't. I would pick her up, and she would have lovely little trinkets they had given her, or candy. Of course they would have to be taken from her, and then she would start on a rage. It simply was not worth using respite. After three attempts, I stopped using respite.

IF YOU are a respite provider for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, please do not buy them gifts or candy. In the beginning stages of their healing, these things should only come from the mother who cares for the child. If you give the child these things, they will use it as a weapon against the mother. It will be more proof in their mind that the mother doesn't love them because SHE doesn't give the child these things. RAD kids hold everything against the mom. It is your job as a respite provider to make the child appreciate their own home, not to make the child like YOU.

IF YOU need respite for your child with RAD, please be very choosy. Make it clear what your expectations of the respite are. This is not a vacation for the child. This is a rest for YOU because this child has raged and drained you of your strength. Make it clear that your child should have chores, no TV or electronics, and no gifts of any kind. They should not get to choose what they eat. (If children don't like what I serve for dinner, I tell them I hope they will like what is for breakfast.)No phone privileges; they cannot call mom. They need to wonder why mom is not calling them. Is she having fun? Doesn't she miss me?

I worry for my blogging friend. I hope her parents are not easily manipulated, and I hope her RADish comes home appreciating the home she is trying to give her.

Song's First...and LAST Experience at Summer Camp

Last summer, I decided to try having Song attend a summer camp. This was not just an ordinary summer camp. This was run by the CYS caseworkers and the Sheriff's Department. After getting the information from Song's therapist, and having her assurance that she would let them know what her behaviors were, I felt confident that all would be well. It was only for 3 days. And certainly I could use a break.

I took Song to the courthouse where we were to meet the group. Of course she had to go potty. I thought, "Oh great, here we go". I sent her IN to the courthouse to use the bathroom because we had her luggage, pillows, and sleeping bag. I would watch her things, and let her go in.

After about 10 minutes, I realized something was wrong. She hadn't come out. I left the things, and went in to find her, hoping nothing would be stolen. I couldn't find her. I asked at the security station, they didn't know where she went. There was only one way out, so I figured the best thing for me to do was wait outside. Another 10 minutes later, out she comes. She was walking funny, her pants bottoms were half on her shoes and half off. I asked her what happened. She said she took off her pants to use the bathroom and then couldn't get her pants back on over her shoes. Remember she's 9 years old.

I slid the pants aside to get the shoes off, pulled the pants up over her feet, and put her shoes back on.

Ok. it's ok, no problem. The bus comes, she gets on the bus with all her things. My heart is in my throat because I am so scared for her. I want the kids to like her, I want her to have fun, I want her to be well enough to enjoy this experience without ruining anyone else's time.

The night before I pick her up, I get a call from CYS. At THIS time I find out the caseworker who had been in contact with Song's therapist was sick, and didn't even go on the camping trip! I tried calling the camp, got a recording, and figured what was done was done. I would pick her up tomorrow and deal with the aftermath of what I had unknowingly created.

As the bus pulled in, I saw a caseworker who I am friendly with getting off the bus with Song. B's eyes looked huge, like she had been through something very traumatic. I knew that look. Song came off right after her, of course looking very pleased with herself and telling me she was so good at camp and had so much fun and she couldn't wait until next year, and did I know they had the best food......

Whew...

I looked at B and asked what happened. She said "Pretty much typical Song, had 3 boyfriends the first hour, was sitting way too close to boys, was disappearing and walking off on her own". I was furious! I said "Why wasn't I called the first day? I would have come and picked her up if caseworker X who was supposed to be monitoring her wasn't coming." My friend B didn't know, she had only gone to ride home on the bus with the kids. They told her about it when she got there an hour ago.

As I unpacked Song's clothing from camp, I noticed her old behaviors had reappeared. She had worn the same clothing all week, her towels weren't wet, toothbrush was bone dry. One shoe was missing, she was wearing her sandals. Her hair was not clean.

The moral to this story is, I was wrong. Even after dealing with her every minute of every day for 3 years I had misjudged how much she was healed. She can hold it together, for the most part, because I am her strength. If I am gone, she falls apart. Sometimes this knowledge is too overwhelming. Sometimes I don't want to be that NEEDED by anyone. And sometimes I see her laugh at an appropriate time, the light in her eyes is healthy and not dark, and I can see the child I want her to be.

Holding Poop

Why is it that RAD kids want to hold their poop?

I am dealing with this issue with "Pixie". A couple of weeks ago, she was sitting on the potty. I went in to start her shower. She had brown on her fingers and mouth. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, "stay calm" I told myself.

I asked that question you are never supposed to ask a RAD kid, "What did you do?"
"Nothing"....pause....."Nothing, really Mom"....pause, look away, look back.....
"Ok, I had to see if it was poop or not".
Me, "Where did it come from?"
Pixie, "my butt".
Me, "Then what did you think it was going to be?"
Pixie, fake cry....

In the past we have had many potty issues with "Song". The most recent was last summer. She was sent to her room for saying mean things. When I went up to talk to her, the smell was overwhelming.
Me, "What is that smell?"
Song, "It's not poop"
Me, "It smells like poop"
Song, "It's not, I don't do that anymore. Maybe the cat came in and farted".
Me, "It smells like poop", as I continue to look around her room. And then I found it.
insert heavenly music....
She has a built in box in her room that has a hinged lid on it. She decided to use it as a toilet. Song, fake cry....she spent the night scrubbing until the smell was gone.

The answer to my question is control! They have to control everything, and since they have none in my house, they control what they CAN....and that, is poop.

First Impressions of "Song"

Oh, how deceiving they can be. I remember tucking her in to bed the first night, and thinking that she would be ok now. She was so charming and loving. It seemed she started to bond that very first day. She was home, where I felt she belonged, we loved her, and that would be enough. It was not.

It was several weeks before I started to see the signs of the trauma she had been through. We had no other children in the home. My biological children were adults, living on their own. The agency wanted Song to be the only child placed in our home. I didn't understand this at first. I am a good parent. Surley with all the children who need homes, I could take another, a playmate for Song perhaps. As a therapeutic parent I was logging behaviors, working on her behavior plan, attending trainings (none of which told me exactly WHAT I should be doing to help her), and reading books and the internet for answers. The first thing I found was a list of the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder:

1. Superficially charming and engaging, particularly around strangers or those who
they feel they can manipulate
2. Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent’s terms
3. Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying
4. A severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as the child gets older
5. Hypervigilant
6. Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks
7. Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things
8. Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues
9. Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times
10. Trouble understanding cause and effect
11. Poor impulse control
12. Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith
13. Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience
14. Cruelty to animals
15. Lying for no apparent reason
16. False allegations of abuse
17. Destructive to property or self
18. Stealing
19. Constant chatter; nonsense questions
20. Abnormal speech patterns; uninterested in learning communication skills
21. Developmental / Learning delays
22. Fascination with fire, blood and gore, weapons, evil; will usually make the bad choice
23. Problems with food; either hoarding it or refusing to eat
24. Concerned with details, but ignoring the main issues
25. Few or no long term friends; tend to be loners
26. Attitude of entitlement and self-importance
27. Sneaks things without permission even if he could have had them by asking
28. Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other
29. A darkness behind the eyes when raging
(radkid.org)

The first behavior she displayed was a fear of bathrooms. Going anywhere with her was a nightmare. The first outing I took her on was to see a play that my niece and nephew were in. Of course Song had to "go potty". I later learned that this REALLY meant she was preoccupied with bathrooms, and didn't really have to go. I took her from the auditorium, into the bathroom nonsense chattering the whole way. As we entered the bathroom, she started to back out. I took her hand, told her I would come in with her. Hesitantly she entered the stall and proceded to scream her head off. I knelt on the floor, and told her it was ok. She was scratching, clawing, and screaming. I picked her up and took her to the car. My fear was that someone would hear her, think I was hurting her, and she would be taken away. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes until she was calm. She had this behavior for about 2 years.

The next behavior that I charted was a fear at bedtime. She wanted to know where I was at all times. I could not go downstairs, she thought I would leave her. Part of this was fear, part was control. At one of her therapy sessions, I tried to explain to her therapist what I was seeing. She told me to put her in her room, tell her goodnight, and close the door. If she comes out, walk her back in. That was a disaster. After a few nights of this, my husband videotaped the bedtime routine. We have on tape four and a half hours of her screaming, crying, yelling for me to get back up there, coming out of her room, me taking her back in, and her banging and kicking on the door. At the next therapy session, I showed her caseworker the tape, and her therapist. Her therapist said it was one of the worst cases of RAD she has seen. Together we came up with a game plan to help my child start to heal. This woman probably saved my sanity. She would call me every couple of days to see how I was doing, not Song. She encouraged me. I am forever in her debt, and am so happy she is my friend.

"Song's" History

I have found myself with some free time tonight, so I thought I would share a little of Song's history.

I first met Song when she was placed as a foster child with a relative. That placement lasted about 2 years. I lived in a different town in the beginning, but moved near them in time to love this child. This relative began telling me of this 4 year olds behaviors. She couldn't deal with it any more. She had 2 other foster children, and Song would constantly "hurt" them. It was reported she pinched them, bit them, hit them, broke toys they got because she was jealous. The plan was for her to return to her biological parents. as this relative was nearing the end of her rope with Song, my husband and I began the process of becoming foster parents. Before we could finish our training, Song was sent home to live with her bio parents. I would see her often, walking the streets of our town with her mother. She looked horrible. She was 5, but looked like a little teenager strutting around. Her hair was always a mess. We got a call about a sibling group of 3 children who needed a placement. We decided since we had been trained and certified, maybe we could help this group of children. So, we took the placement. A month later I found out Song had been voluntarily placed again by her parents! I called her caseworker, and asked about her. She said she was doing "well", and she didn't want to move her. I told her IF she needed another placement, to please call me, that we wanted to adopt song if she became available.

The 3 kiddos we had went home a couple of months later. And then, I got a call. Song was removed from the home for making false allegations against a child in the home, had been placed in another home, and now they too were asking to have her moved. She had an evaluation and was diagnosed with PTSD, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The caseworker was looking to place her again, remembered my offer, and said if we wanted her we would have to be trained as therapeutic foster parents for another agency. We agreed, and within 2 weeks, thanks to the efforts of the agency, we were certified as therapeutic foster parents. We took Song into our home. We were the 11th placement for Song. She was 5 years old, almost 6.

In The Beginning....

I find this is always a good place to start.

I am the adoptive mother of a RADish. We'll call her "Song", as she is ALWAYS singing and humming. I hope that as you read my blog, it can make you laugh, cry, and realize that you are not alone! There IS hope at the end of the road you are on. My 9 year old came to me as a product of abuse, and a foster care system that has little experience dealing with RAD. It's not that they are bad people. It's just that we live in a small town. I have educated myself on Reactive Attachment Disorder. I will continue to learn. For her.