The answer is READ THEM ALL!!! But, in saying that, understand that some of the things you read will get you in major trouble if you follow their advice. Check with your therapist/agency before putting into practice any RAD therapeutic strategies.
Nancy Thomas- I LOVE Nancy Thomas! I have so much admiration for her. But, you have to remember she has dealt with the worst of the worst. She has taken in children who have killed. One piece of advice she gives is that it's ok to put a child out of the car and allow them to walk if they are misbehaving. We'll assume she means a short distance, and only if the child is able to make good choices while they ARE walking. A parent I know put a child with mental health issues out of the car, and ended up being investigated because another foster parent called CYS and reported the incident. Make sure it is in your child's safety plan BEFORE you take advice you read in a book.
Brita St Clair- 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane- Ideas such as putting peas around the room of a bedwetter and then collecting the peas and serving peas (not the same ones) for dinner. I found this book to be full of ideas I would NEVER use. There were days I didn't have the energy to do dumb things. Alot of the book was teasing the child, although she says never do any of it in a mean way. If anyone wants the book, do NOT waste your money. Give me your address and I will send you my copy.
Foster Cline- Parenting with Love and Logic. I read this book every few months. It sits on my night stand. I love the thought that protecting these children is not loving them. They have to learn from their mistakes. If you constantly get in between them and the consequences for their actions, they won't have to learn. You'll see alot of Cline's influence when I deal with my children, especially with Pixie. :)
Gregory C Keck- Parenting The Hurt Child- Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow- Really hands on advice. Advice from adoptees, mothers, therapists/ all perspectives. This book includes lots of scenarios, and step by step what to say/do.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Creative Correction
I was listening to a radio program yesterday and they were talking about Creative Correction. I thought, what a great post that would be!
Disciplining a RAD child can be difficult. Rewards and sticker charts do not work. These children are manipulative. They already feel entitled, and feeding that will set their healing back. Trust me, when I first started dealing with RAD kiddos, I did all those things; just like I did with my biological children. What would inevitably happen is, the child would be good for the day, get the reward, and then misbehave. I would be left kicking myself for falling for it again. In school, this child would be told she could go to the party/class trip/play outside if she would behave in the morning. When I would pick her up after school, I would hear that she had tantrum because she couldn't have more candy, or have soda, or play with the toy she wanted to play with.
My newest little RADish isn't so lucky. She was forgetting her homework, EVERY day. The only consequence for this was she had to do the homework at the beginning of the recess, and then she could go out. Then, while my other kids were doing homework at night, she was playing and bothering them. I went to school and asked her teacher if she would make her stay in ALL recess if she forgets her homework. This has not totally stopped her "forgetfulness", but it has helped.
Timeouts also do not usually work. I say "usually" because I sometimes DO use them, but only to get a break. RADishes use timeouts as a time to spew hateful things at you. One of Song's rants began with, "I wish I was a rat, cause then I would come in your room and scare you..." When I did not react, of course it got meaner. When I give the timeout, I thank them for my time off, and I go listen to music, watch tv. If they get louder, I turn it up. Headphones will also work to protect your ears from their hateful words.
Early on, I had to come up with my own ideas on correcting annoying/inappropriate behavior.
The first thing I would have them do is play quietly NEAR me when they misbehave. Bringing them closer, even if they have been bad helps the bonding, although it can leave you feeling overwhelmed sometimes. I then started putting them at "zero". This means they can play with coloring books, crayons, books, games and puzzles. There are times when Song has been so reactive I have had to START her at zero for the day, and let her earn privileges as the day went on.
I had a psychiatrist tell me one time that she should start the day with all of her toys/things. If she misbehaved, take it away and give it back the very next morning! I disagreed, telling him I felt this would start a pattern of her misbehaving when she feels like it, knowing she would get all her stuff back the next day anyway. I did not take his advice, I give it back slowly when she loses things. NOT everything at once.
I also use alot of natural consequences, especially with my littlest one. Last week she forgot her school bag when I took her to school. She demanded that I go home and get it. She started crying and screaming. I walked her into her classroom. and explained to her teacher that Pixie is a little mad at me right now because I refused to go home and get her school bag. I knew it would mean she would lose recess, as per my previous agreement with her teacher. I love her teacher this year! She thanked me for not going home to get it, and told me to have a wonderful day! :) I win again!! :)
Nonsense chatter in the car can make you crazy. I have a "no talking in the car rule" that I invoke when they start. If it was just one RAD child, you might be able to cope with it. I have 2 diagnosed, and 1 suspected.
My last bit of advice would be not to clutter their rooms. Song has her bed, dresser, and a few books in her room. What I don't want to do is have her room full of toys. When she gets sent there for misbehaving or sent to bed early, I want her to have nothing to do, except go to bed. (I know she will not use the time to think about what she did wrong (she usually uses it to stomp on the floor), but the quiet time usually calms her down, and gives me a breather.
:)
Disciplining a RAD child can be difficult. Rewards and sticker charts do not work. These children are manipulative. They already feel entitled, and feeding that will set their healing back. Trust me, when I first started dealing with RAD kiddos, I did all those things; just like I did with my biological children. What would inevitably happen is, the child would be good for the day, get the reward, and then misbehave. I would be left kicking myself for falling for it again. In school, this child would be told she could go to the party/class trip/play outside if she would behave in the morning. When I would pick her up after school, I would hear that she had tantrum because she couldn't have more candy, or have soda, or play with the toy she wanted to play with.
My newest little RADish isn't so lucky. She was forgetting her homework, EVERY day. The only consequence for this was she had to do the homework at the beginning of the recess, and then she could go out. Then, while my other kids were doing homework at night, she was playing and bothering them. I went to school and asked her teacher if she would make her stay in ALL recess if she forgets her homework. This has not totally stopped her "forgetfulness", but it has helped.
Timeouts also do not usually work. I say "usually" because I sometimes DO use them, but only to get a break. RADishes use timeouts as a time to spew hateful things at you. One of Song's rants began with, "I wish I was a rat, cause then I would come in your room and scare you..." When I did not react, of course it got meaner. When I give the timeout, I thank them for my time off, and I go listen to music, watch tv. If they get louder, I turn it up. Headphones will also work to protect your ears from their hateful words.
Early on, I had to come up with my own ideas on correcting annoying/inappropriate behavior.
The first thing I would have them do is play quietly NEAR me when they misbehave. Bringing them closer, even if they have been bad helps the bonding, although it can leave you feeling overwhelmed sometimes. I then started putting them at "zero". This means they can play with coloring books, crayons, books, games and puzzles. There are times when Song has been so reactive I have had to START her at zero for the day, and let her earn privileges as the day went on.
I had a psychiatrist tell me one time that she should start the day with all of her toys/things. If she misbehaved, take it away and give it back the very next morning! I disagreed, telling him I felt this would start a pattern of her misbehaving when she feels like it, knowing she would get all her stuff back the next day anyway. I did not take his advice, I give it back slowly when she loses things. NOT everything at once.
I also use alot of natural consequences, especially with my littlest one. Last week she forgot her school bag when I took her to school. She demanded that I go home and get it. She started crying and screaming. I walked her into her classroom. and explained to her teacher that Pixie is a little mad at me right now because I refused to go home and get her school bag. I knew it would mean she would lose recess, as per my previous agreement with her teacher. I love her teacher this year! She thanked me for not going home to get it, and told me to have a wonderful day! :) I win again!! :)
Nonsense chatter in the car can make you crazy. I have a "no talking in the car rule" that I invoke when they start. If it was just one RAD child, you might be able to cope with it. I have 2 diagnosed, and 1 suspected.
My last bit of advice would be not to clutter their rooms. Song has her bed, dresser, and a few books in her room. What I don't want to do is have her room full of toys. When she gets sent there for misbehaving or sent to bed early, I want her to have nothing to do, except go to bed. (I know she will not use the time to think about what she did wrong (she usually uses it to stomp on the floor), but the quiet time usually calms her down, and gives me a breather.
:)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
What Does Trauma Look Like?
Children of trauma are often more sexualized than children from healthy homes. This can display itself in so many ways. The question is, how do you know if it's healthy little girl play, or a sign that more work needs to be done on boundaries and appropriate behavior?
After 6 years of working with children of trauma, I can tell you some of the signs are so vague that you have to trust your feelings.
I remember as a child playing with my sister that we would grow up, get married, have children, and live near each other. As I look back at my own play, I can tell you that the play was centered more on relationships that on the sex act or being pregnant.
Children of trauma will obsessively look at pictures of babies, be so preoccupied if they see a baby that they will zone out, and will play that they are pregnant by putting teddy bears or dolls in their clothing. They will often masturbate at a much younger age. Girls of trauma, especially sexual abuse, will urinate themselves and often mark their rooms with the urine. While these behaviors can be trying, you have to realize that it is not something they are doing on purpose to destroy your home or "push your buttons".
We have a rule in our home, if you make the mess/smell you clean it up. We have plastic on the mattresses and a special basket in our laundry room where wet clothing goes. Wet beds are sprayed and wiped down. If you wet yourself during the day, you must shower and change. It is not fair to subject the others in the home to the smell. If I have a wetter in the car, I will put a towel on the seat. The children in our home have assigned seats at the dining table so all of the chairs are not "marked".
Children of sexual abuse will not want to shower. They will not wash their hair or brush their teeth. You will know when they are starting to heal when the shampoo and body wash in their bathroom needs to be replaced frequently. I buy body wash at the Dollar Store. It's inexpensive and can be purchased in strong scents.
Girls may also refuse to wear a pad when menstruating,staining their underwear. I had one young lady who needed new underwear every 3 months because they would be so stained.
****Children of sexual abuse are at a higher risk for promiscuous behavior, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and eating disorders.
After 6 years of working with children of trauma, I can tell you some of the signs are so vague that you have to trust your feelings.
I remember as a child playing with my sister that we would grow up, get married, have children, and live near each other. As I look back at my own play, I can tell you that the play was centered more on relationships that on the sex act or being pregnant.
Children of trauma will obsessively look at pictures of babies, be so preoccupied if they see a baby that they will zone out, and will play that they are pregnant by putting teddy bears or dolls in their clothing. They will often masturbate at a much younger age. Girls of trauma, especially sexual abuse, will urinate themselves and often mark their rooms with the urine. While these behaviors can be trying, you have to realize that it is not something they are doing on purpose to destroy your home or "push your buttons".
We have a rule in our home, if you make the mess/smell you clean it up. We have plastic on the mattresses and a special basket in our laundry room where wet clothing goes. Wet beds are sprayed and wiped down. If you wet yourself during the day, you must shower and change. It is not fair to subject the others in the home to the smell. If I have a wetter in the car, I will put a towel on the seat. The children in our home have assigned seats at the dining table so all of the chairs are not "marked".
Children of sexual abuse will not want to shower. They will not wash their hair or brush their teeth. You will know when they are starting to heal when the shampoo and body wash in their bathroom needs to be replaced frequently. I buy body wash at the Dollar Store. It's inexpensive and can be purchased in strong scents.
Girls may also refuse to wear a pad when menstruating,staining their underwear. I had one young lady who needed new underwear every 3 months because they would be so stained.
****Children of sexual abuse are at a higher risk for promiscuous behavior, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and eating disorders.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Misc ranting today
Our fifth left this morning. During her time here, she hit our cat, and kicked her as well. It's still hard to say a child cannot stay here. But sometimes you have to know what works in your home, and what you are willing to accept from a foster child. Hurting our animals has always been on our list of "will not accept".
We've only had children moved a few times. There was a teenage boy that still breaks my heart.He was successful for a period of time, and then he started to act out. He would storm out of my home, walk down the center of a busy road,curse at me, go after my husband, and bang on an adjoining wall he shared with Song. This would trigger her behaviors. He has been gone for over a year, but today Song remembered how she would (she acted this out) roll up in a ball when he started banging the wall. There are literally footprints on the ceiling and wall of his old room still. I don't know how they got there. Did he throw his shoes at the wall? Jump off his bed? I guess I haven't removed the marks because they still make me think of him. Knowing that it may cause some stress to Song will make me scrub that wall tonight.
I hate that he had to move. I wish I could have adopted him, and given him a home. I love him. Unfortunately, Song's needs had to be considered first. He, "R", has asked to have visits with us. I have also asked to have visits. We have been refused because we are no longer technically a therapeutic family. And here's why. See if you can see the irony in our story.
We quit our agency and went back to CYS after a therapeutic foster child we had for 2 years revealed to me that she and a boy at school were plotting to stab me because I wouldn't let them be together. This girl told her therapist, who didn't tell me. When I asked the therapist why, she said because she thought of "K" as a little sister. I handed in my letter of resignation, which was already typed, and went across the street to CYS.
I signed the necessary paperwork for them to contact my agency and get my clearances, and then called Corporate Compliance on the therapist. I received a call from Agency Headquarters asking me to return, I said no thank you, and was told we could return to the agency whenever we chose to. That was over a year ago. The therapist is still "R's" therapist, as well as "K's". Incidentally "K" is now asking to have contact with us, which we have refused.
As I have said before, it is a small town. I still deal with this agency when kiddos don't work out here and no other CYS family can take the child. Fifth has gone to this agency, as it is apparent she needs some therapy that this agency can offer her.
I won't name the agency. I feel they offer a great service to the community. Some children require more resources than CYS can offer. I am respectful to the personnel I used to work with. It is in the child's best interest. Is it not also in "R's" best interest to have contact with a family who is no longer with this agency at the fault of the AGENCY?
We've only had children moved a few times. There was a teenage boy that still breaks my heart.He was successful for a period of time, and then he started to act out. He would storm out of my home, walk down the center of a busy road,curse at me, go after my husband, and bang on an adjoining wall he shared with Song. This would trigger her behaviors. He has been gone for over a year, but today Song remembered how she would (she acted this out) roll up in a ball when he started banging the wall. There are literally footprints on the ceiling and wall of his old room still. I don't know how they got there. Did he throw his shoes at the wall? Jump off his bed? I guess I haven't removed the marks because they still make me think of him. Knowing that it may cause some stress to Song will make me scrub that wall tonight.
I hate that he had to move. I wish I could have adopted him, and given him a home. I love him. Unfortunately, Song's needs had to be considered first. He, "R", has asked to have visits with us. I have also asked to have visits. We have been refused because we are no longer technically a therapeutic family. And here's why. See if you can see the irony in our story.
We quit our agency and went back to CYS after a therapeutic foster child we had for 2 years revealed to me that she and a boy at school were plotting to stab me because I wouldn't let them be together. This girl told her therapist, who didn't tell me. When I asked the therapist why, she said because she thought of "K" as a little sister. I handed in my letter of resignation, which was already typed, and went across the street to CYS.
I signed the necessary paperwork for them to contact my agency and get my clearances, and then called Corporate Compliance on the therapist. I received a call from Agency Headquarters asking me to return, I said no thank you, and was told we could return to the agency whenever we chose to. That was over a year ago. The therapist is still "R's" therapist, as well as "K's". Incidentally "K" is now asking to have contact with us, which we have refused.
As I have said before, it is a small town. I still deal with this agency when kiddos don't work out here and no other CYS family can take the child. Fifth has gone to this agency, as it is apparent she needs some therapy that this agency can offer her.
I won't name the agency. I feel they offer a great service to the community. Some children require more resources than CYS can offer. I am respectful to the personnel I used to work with. It is in the child's best interest. Is it not also in "R's" best interest to have contact with a family who is no longer with this agency at the fault of the AGENCY?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Fifth Wheel and Pets
It's true, when you have a fifth it IS harder. Especially if the fifth is an autistic 11 year old girl.
Fifth has been with us since November. She will be leaving Friday to go to another foster home. Not because it is more work, which it totally IS, but because she hit my cat. HARD! We have a rule in our home that we do not, under any circumstances, take a child who will hurt our pets. When our other children are being emotional, they are not even allowed to TOUCH the pets.
Are children more important than pets? Absolutely. But, the pets were here first. We have a duty to protect them. If the children had been here first, we would not have pets because the first time they hurt them, we would rehome the pets.
They say that children of trauma should never be able to have any pets at all, under any circumstances, during their healing. I don't totally agree with this. But, having said that, you should know that children of trauma will sexually abuse your pet, they will hit your pet, and they may feed your pet something that it shouldn't have. Supervision is key. NEVER leave your pet alone with a traumatized child unless you are prepared for the possibility that your pet may be mistreated, or even killed.
Fifth has been with us since November. She will be leaving Friday to go to another foster home. Not because it is more work, which it totally IS, but because she hit my cat. HARD! We have a rule in our home that we do not, under any circumstances, take a child who will hurt our pets. When our other children are being emotional, they are not even allowed to TOUCH the pets.
Are children more important than pets? Absolutely. But, the pets were here first. We have a duty to protect them. If the children had been here first, we would not have pets because the first time they hurt them, we would rehome the pets.
They say that children of trauma should never be able to have any pets at all, under any circumstances, during their healing. I don't totally agree with this. But, having said that, you should know that children of trauma will sexually abuse your pet, they will hit your pet, and they may feed your pet something that it shouldn't have. Supervision is key. NEVER leave your pet alone with a traumatized child unless you are prepared for the possibility that your pet may be mistreated, or even killed.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Pumpkin
Pumpkin is mad. And she has every right to be. She has mental health issues, learning disabilities, Reactive Attachment Disorder, seizure disorder, and PTSD. She was placed with us in October 2008. We have gotten to the point where we care about her, and want to be the family to help her get to independent living.
At court last month, we proposed being her legal guardians. Have I mentioned she came to us as a result of a disrupted adoption? Adoption carries different meanings for Pumpkin. Her adoptive mother voluntarily placed her and signed off on her rights. Adoptive mom said she didn't want her back until she could be "fixed".
Anyway, at court, the hearing master said legal guardianship was not a permanency plan! She wanted Children and Youth to place her on the adoption network and begin having visitations with prospective adoptive families! I heard this from a paralegal who was drawing up the paperwork. I told her to stop, that we WOULD adopt her. I feel like they twisted my arm, but I do care about this girl, and want to help her.
A couple of days ago, she didn't brush her teeth properly. I saw the toothpaste spit in the sink, no water in the bowl. I sent her back in. She started to argue. I told her she could go sit on the bottom stair until she was ready. She went to the step, and proceeded to bang her head on the stairs and wall. I sat near her to speak quietly to her. She raised her hand to hit me. I grabbed both her hands and said "No Pumpkin, we do not hurt each other". She called me a "mother fu****". Not the first time I have been called this. I have in fact, gone by many different names. Another foster radish called me by my surname "stupid bit**". She was 5.
So, as we await a court date to adopt this child, she is becoming anxious. She is reactive, and on top of it all, she is on her cycle. She gets very emotional right before her cycle. I mark a "boom" on my calender when she gets emotional, and 2-3 days later she will start her period. I am so angry at this system, the adoptive parents who think they can fix a child, and judges who won't listen to the foster parents. Pumpkin will never be able to function on her own, she will never drive a car, she may never even bond to us 100%, although her drs think she is bonding to us. She trusts us though. In the 1 1/2 years we have had her she has not been put in a RTF, not once. When we are processing inappropriate behaviors, she tells me that her adoptive mother would have put her in the hospital for hitting the wall, or banging her head on the floor. ( She's telling the truth. It is documented that out of the 5 years she lived with adoptive mom, she spent half the time in RTFs). I tell her "I do not put children in the hospital because they act like that". I give her "time in", meaning she gets to stay near me for a short time after acting out. I put her on "zero", which means she can only play with coloring books, puzzles, and games. She cannot touch our pets when she is emotional.
How, I want to know, was she supposed to handle getting moved from home to home for visits until a family agreed to take her?
At court last month, we proposed being her legal guardians. Have I mentioned she came to us as a result of a disrupted adoption? Adoption carries different meanings for Pumpkin. Her adoptive mother voluntarily placed her and signed off on her rights. Adoptive mom said she didn't want her back until she could be "fixed".
Anyway, at court, the hearing master said legal guardianship was not a permanency plan! She wanted Children and Youth to place her on the adoption network and begin having visitations with prospective adoptive families! I heard this from a paralegal who was drawing up the paperwork. I told her to stop, that we WOULD adopt her. I feel like they twisted my arm, but I do care about this girl, and want to help her.
A couple of days ago, she didn't brush her teeth properly. I saw the toothpaste spit in the sink, no water in the bowl. I sent her back in. She started to argue. I told her she could go sit on the bottom stair until she was ready. She went to the step, and proceeded to bang her head on the stairs and wall. I sat near her to speak quietly to her. She raised her hand to hit me. I grabbed both her hands and said "No Pumpkin, we do not hurt each other". She called me a "mother fu****".
So, as we await a court date to adopt this child, she is becoming anxious. She is reactive, and on top of it all, she is on her cycle. She gets very emotional right before her cycle. I mark a "boom" on my calender when she gets emotional, and 2-3 days later she will start her period. I am so angry at this system, the adoptive parents who think they can fix a child, and judges who won't listen to the foster parents. Pumpkin will never be able to function on her own, she will never drive a car, she may never even bond to us 100%, although her drs think she is bonding to us. She trusts us though. In the 1 1/2 years we have had her she has not been put in a RTF, not once. When we are processing inappropriate behaviors, she tells me that her adoptive mother would have put her in the hospital for hitting the wall, or banging her head on the floor. ( She's telling the truth. It is documented that out of the 5 years she lived with adoptive mom, she spent half the time in RTFs). I tell her "I do not put children in the hospital because they act like that". I give her "time in", meaning she gets to stay near me for a short time after acting out. I put her on "zero", which means she can only play with coloring books, puzzles, and games. She cannot touch our pets when she is emotional.
How, I want to know, was she supposed to handle getting moved from home to home for visits until a family agreed to take her?
Triggers
There is a blue Victorian home in our town that Song's bio parents used to rent an apartment in. I know this is a trigger for Song. In therapy she has drawn pictures of big blue angry houses with lightening and thunder all around it. Sometimes the house is on fire. Sometimes she draws OUR family standing outside the house. She talks about a bathroom in the house. She has bathroom issues. Her therapists have all guessed that there was sexual abuse going on because of her behaviors. She was too little to really remember if anything did happen. I hope she never does.
Last week we had to drive past that house. It was unavoidable. I caught her hiding her face with her hand. I asked what she was doing. She said "I'm not looking, because I know if I look, I will act out". Points to her for realizing it, but it never stops the regression.
This morning I was putting away the laundry she folded. My clothes were all wrinkled in the basket. No, she isn't screaming, kicking, clawing and saying mean things to me. Her behaviors now are more passive aggressive. My clothing is rolled into a ball and put in the basket for me to find. She wants me to know she is mad at me for not saving her from the trauma she had when she was little.
Right now she is folding and refolding HER laundry. We will call this Home Ec in our homeschool log, or Lifeskills. Later we will talk about seeing the blue house and how it made her feel. But for now, I am enjoying the day "off" as a teacher she has given me.
Last week we had to drive past that house. It was unavoidable. I caught her hiding her face with her hand. I asked what she was doing. She said "I'm not looking, because I know if I look, I will act out". Points to her for realizing it, but it never stops the regression.
This morning I was putting away the laundry she folded. My clothes were all wrinkled in the basket. No, she isn't screaming, kicking, clawing and saying mean things to me. Her behaviors now are more passive aggressive. My clothing is rolled into a ball and put in the basket for me to find. She wants me to know she is mad at me for not saving her from the trauma she had when she was little.
Right now she is folding and refolding HER laundry. We will call this Home Ec in our homeschool log, or Lifeskills. Later we will talk about seeing the blue house and how it made her feel. But for now, I am enjoying the day "off" as a teacher she has given me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)