To Respite or Not to Respite

I have recently begun reading the blog of a woman who is caring for her 12 year old niece who has Reactive Attachment Disorder. I won't go into her whole story except to say she is dealing with some very serious issues. There appears to be no support in her area, she is not getting the support of her niece's therapist, and her niece's behaviors have spiraled to the point that law enforcement has become involved. On top of all of this, she is about to lose her home, and cannot find work because of the amount of time she must devote to her niece's healing. She will be getting a respite this weekend from her parents.

My heart is hurting for her tonight. I don't even know her, and I can feel her pain. I had moments when I too questioned whether I was helping my child. I often wondered if she would be better with a younger family, in a residential treatment facility, on medication. Using respite, although it gave me a much needed rest, caused regression because Song would be so charming the family would spoil her. I never did find a respite person who would not fall under her spell, and then I would have to deal with the fallout when she returned home. I even had respite providers tell the agency THEY would adopt her if we didn't. I would pick her up, and she would have lovely little trinkets they had given her, or candy. Of course they would have to be taken from her, and then she would start on a rage. It simply was not worth using respite. After three attempts, I stopped using respite.

IF YOU are a respite provider for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, please do not buy them gifts or candy. In the beginning stages of their healing, these things should only come from the mother who cares for the child. If you give the child these things, they will use it as a weapon against the mother. It will be more proof in their mind that the mother doesn't love them because SHE doesn't give the child these things. RAD kids hold everything against the mom. It is your job as a respite provider to make the child appreciate their own home, not to make the child like YOU.

IF YOU need respite for your child with RAD, please be very choosy. Make it clear what your expectations of the respite are. This is not a vacation for the child. This is a rest for YOU because this child has raged and drained you of your strength. Make it clear that your child should have chores, no TV or electronics, and no gifts of any kind. They should not get to choose what they eat. (If children don't like what I serve for dinner, I tell them I hope they will like what is for breakfast.)No phone privileges; they cannot call mom. They need to wonder why mom is not calling them. Is she having fun? Doesn't she miss me?

I worry for my blogging friend. I hope her parents are not easily manipulated, and I hope her RADish comes home appreciating the home she is trying to give her.